Monday, April 6, 2015

227. Expressing and Standing in my Words

Continuation from:
Day 224: To become a Leader...  
Day 225: Fear of Being Disliked
Day 226: Who am I if I Just Want to Please Others?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so afraid about expressing myself and who I am really in front of others because I am afraid to be judged and criticized, thus indicating to me that I have yet to be able to stand in my own shoes and be able to stand within what I express/speak, because I realize if I am really 100% absolute in what I speak of and stand for, and am that exactly, then others words should not influence/effect me because I would know who I am

I commit myself to investigate the memories, thoughts and emotions that are hindering/preventing me from being able to stand within who I am and what I stand for

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of speaking to friends about politics and how the world is really not a great place, that there is some serious shit we as humanity need to fix because I am afraid they are going to counter act or fight against what I speak and share because of memories of family members speaking up against what I have found in this world

I commit myself to walk through the memories and fears I have of when my mom and I got into a conflict after something I had intimatly expressed with her because I realize I found it to really be a vulnerable part of me that I hadn't expressed with my mom before and did but then took her reactions/responses to what I've shared personally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking about solutions to the world system to my mother because I fear she not agreeing with me, and actually making me feel like I'm dumb and stupid, not realizing only I can make myself feel that way, that I can only make me believe and feel stupid for speaking up

I commit myself to realize that what I stand for -- which is a solution of creating a world best for all, which starts with changing the money system, is going to take a lot of courage and guts to stick with and stand for this since it goes against many people's programming and thoughts about how the world works, but because I know it is the only way to really bring a world best for all, it is my responsibility as a human being to make sure that I am clear with what I stand for, to be that +1 of support, so that whatever anyone says to me I do not crumble into criticism or judgement, but stand with who I am and what I support

I do stand for a money system where all are taken care of, where all are provided enough financially to live comfortable lives. Of course that is not what we have today and many people may actually disagree with having such a system, but I would like one, and it takes courage to stand up for something like this because it is new, it is different, and is something that will make big differences in the lives of others, I simply can see that I have fears of hearing others words of disagreement and judgement towards what I stand for

Within this, I realize that the criticism, judgements and fears I'm afraid people are to say to me, like me being dumb or stupid for supporting such a cause/group/way is because I have personal connections, memories and associations to the words dumb and stupid, where I allow those words to really affect me and thus I require to redefine them, so from this, I commit myself to redefine the words DUMB and STUPID

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having others shut me down and criticize me, mocking me for what I stand for, not realizing I have yet to build the strength within me to be able to NOT allow others words get to me, and that this indicates that I require more education and understanding to strengthen and build myself and my stance so that when or if others ask questions, or criticize or judge what I have shared/expressed I have information and/or preparation on how to direct myself in such situations

I commit myself to assist and support me to build inner strength within what I stand and do, and I first do this by writing out what I stand for, and then work with how to stand with what I stand for and prepare myself for any back lash or conflict from others on my expression by understanding my weaknesses first so that I turn my weaknesses into strengths

Within this, I see, realize and understand I simply need to educate myself more on what exactly I stand for, and walk through any fears, emotions, and thoughts I have towards what others may think or say about what I stand for, to prepare myself and give myself direct on what I will do and say when/if situations of conflict or discussion occur, where I express myself completely within consideration of my words, behavior and interaction with others, so I do not compromise myself and stick to what I see is self-honest and best for all in the moment

I commit myself to educate myself more on my mind, the mind consciousness system in general, and solutions to our global money system so that I have more knowledge and information to support me in my decisions of where I stand and what I stand for


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Educational & Supportive Websites:
Journey to Life Blogs:     Personal Journeys of Self-Discovery
Self & Living: Solutions to Personal Every Day Problems
EQAFE.com  Self-Improvement Interviews
DIP Lite:  Free Self-Development Online Course
Desteni I Process: Online Self-Mastery Course at it's Finest
Relationship Agreement Course: Empower Yourself, Strengthen your Relationships

Monday, March 16, 2015

226. Who Am I if I Just Want to Please Others?

Continuing from:
Day 224: To become a Leader...
Day 225: Fear of Being Disliked

I read through my previous blog and saw how easily I have connected talking to women to wanting to become friends with them, and giving value into that point, like when I talk to other women around my age or those I connect with, there is this desire to become friends with them or have a close relationship-friendship with them. I am also considering this may be in relation to fear of being alone, but that is a separate point I will look into later.

I attended a meeting and met three women I haven't seen in a few days and there was the desire to have them like me. I can see I was afraid they were going to judge me and from that judgement not like me if I did not keep up with a smile and nice words.

What if for example they didn't like me?

To imagine this scenario, I can see I would be very concerned and worried cause I would want to know WHY they don't like me. Why do I care about WHY they don't like me? Because maybe I could change or learn something about how I am around people that I may need to use when I walk into social situations with other women, cause I want to make sure that when I interact with others that what I am doing and saying is okay and will be accepted and approved in the group.

So here I can see a few points: One is that behind the worry and concern I want to create and change myself into someone who is perfect in every way so that whoever I talk to, I speak and express in a way that will create an outcome where they will like me, entirely, within everything I say and do.

Now looking at this point, that is so unrealistic. Even if I were to be self-honest, and do what I see is best, and speak in common sense, I may trigger some movements or reactions in others and so, those reactions and movements are for self to take responsibility for, and that they may not like me for that, for triggering points in them.

The point I see here is that I would want to shape myself according to what I think and perceive would please other people, but my god, then where am I in this equation? Meaning, if my intention is to be someone that pleases another, then I don't even give myself the space to express me when I speak to others, but that I communicate to others based on how I think they would want me to communicate and be to them. So I would be giving up my self expression just to please or benefit other's and their minds. I can see how I have existed in this point for most of my life, is this tendency to change and shape myself and my words in a way so that people will like me, or that I will please them and their minds enough where they will see me in a positive way/light.

So now comes my question is how to be me when I am around others? To express and be me and share my words and common sense, expressing me while taking my words, actions and others into consideration to create an outflow best for all without the fear of other's reactions.


So it's like the age-old question: Who are you?

Who am I if I have been someone who pleases others and shapes myself to please others just so I can avoid conflict, people not liking me, and being alone? Who am I as a leader, expressing and changing myself according to what other people want from me and think of me?

Will continue more in the next blog...


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Educational & Supportive Websites:
Journey to Life Blogs:     Personal Journeys of Self-Discovery
Self & Living: Solutions to Personal Every Day Problems
EQAFE.com  Self-Improvement Interviews
DIP Lite:  Free Self-Development Online Course
Desteni I Process: Online Self-Mastery Course at it's Finest
Relationship Agreement Course: Empower Yourself, Strengthen your Rela

Sunday, March 8, 2015

225: Fear of Being Disliked

One of the points I want to focus on tonight is how as an organizer of a women's group I have a fear of being disliked, or not liked by other women of the group.

This is something I have observed today when I met with one of my co-organizers and upon meeting her there was there very slight unsettling feeling/experience within me where I really had this desire to be liked by her, worrying and wondering if she likes me. I would observe her behavior, and for example when I saw she crossed her leg closest to mine over her other leg I took it as a sign that she was closing herself off to me and I went into a worry over what I did or what I may have been or looked like that made her close herself off at me. Thoughts within insecurity, worry and concern start coming up, where I question myself, and then thoughts of self-judgement and belief of ''I am awkward,'' in relationships come up...I saw what I was doing in the moment and I knew this was a programmed pattern, that I did not have to believe in it, I saw the bullshit of it and I did not give into it completely, but I knew that the point was still there, I knew that the underlying problem/point of the fear of the women disliking me is what needs to be investigated.

If I am to be a solid, stable organizer of a group the least of my concerns should be about whether someone ''likes me,'' I know it should not take over my awareness, me being here, organizing and interacting with the members in the group, but it currently exists in me so I am here to look into it.

So I will first begin with Self-Forgiveness over my interaction today with another woman.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear, worry and concern over another's behavior where they crossed their closest leg to me over their knee because I believe that is a sign they are closing themselves off to me and I took that personally thinking I did something that made them feel uncomfortable because that is not what I want them to be -- I want them to be comfortable with me, yet I did not realize that I did not take into consideration that the other does not know me as well I do so they walk their own process of being comfortable with me thus I assist and support myself to simply do what I can to be myself within consideration of who I am in this moment with another

When and as I see another cross their leg away from me and I go into thinking they don't like me, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I only get this idea because of psychology information that this behavior means the person is closing themselves off, or in the case of males, they are in ego, but that I should not take such information to heart and personally, because I realize that I am giving too much attention and concern over whether another person likes me instead of focusing on what matters and what the issue is at hand and whether I am being supportive to myself another, so from this, I commit myself to assist and support myself to simply let this fear/worry/concern over another's crossed behavior go and simply focus on what matters, which is the physical, what's going on in the physical and who I am in this moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take another's behavior personally where I interpret I am the reason they are closing themselves off to me, that somehow it is my fault that they are like this not realizing that I cannot expect another to like me immediately and warm up to me immediately -- each has their own process to walk of self-comfortability in interaction with others and the best I can do is to be as stable and supportive as possible for myself and another

I commit myself to assist and support myself to remind myself when I am with others and see myself fall into insecurity, worry and concern over why another's behavior is not looking so open and warm to me, to not take it personally, because I know I want them to be open and like me, but I cannot expect that they will be like this since they are in their own process, so I let the worry/concern go and just focus on me and what's going on in the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I did something wrong to make the other person not like me or be as open to me as I would like them to be, giving so much attention/worry/concern over another I am not even looking at me and who I am giving my power to: my mind of worry and concern about others instead of focusing on me and who I am and whether I want to be like this

When and as I see myself go so quick into worrying that I may have caused another to be upset with me -- that I am the reason why they don't like me or is not open with me, I stop and I breathe. I realize I am giving my energy and attention to too much worry and concern over others instead of assessing for myself who I am in this moment and if what I am doing and being is supportive. From this I commit myself to assist and support myself to stabilize myself through times where I give my power away to concern/worry about others by directing myself to who I want to be in this moment, which is someone who doesn't give a shit about what others think of them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be awkward because I believe and have this idea I am not good with friends, that I cannot keep a long friendship, I cannot have or get a connection with another female because I am 'just awkward' not realizing that I want and desire a cookie-cutter friendship that I have seen personally and on TV/magazines where girls are just so close with each other and do everything together, like sisters, but as friends, and I realize that is what I had wanted as a child, and I envied two girls who had that connection and life/friendship with each other and I wanted that because I really believed that is what would fulfill me in that moment, is that sort of friendship/connection, not realizing that such connections/friendships are limited and to only fill a void that is a result of self separating words from self, which means I have many words to realign myself to become fulfilled within me, in fact

I commit myself to assist and support myself to redefine FRIENDSHIP and also see what words I have separated myself from that I see female friendships possess that I want to stand and live equal to

When and as I see myself believe me to be awkward around female relationships/friendships as a form of judgement, I stop and I breathe. I realize I am not 100% comfortable with myself around others, like females, and this is because I have some past issues to work with when it comes to female friendships, so I use this opportunity to assist and support myself to stabilize myself while interacting with females and work with my friendship points so that I am stable and comfortable with myself when I interact with other women

Will continue in the next blog post...


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Educational & Supportive Websites:
Journey to Life Blogs:     Personal Journeys of Self-Discovery
Self & Living: Solutions to Personal Every Day Problems
EQAFE.com  Self-Improvement Interviews
DIP Lite:  Free Self-Development Online Course
Desteni I Process: Online Self-Mastery Course at it's Finest
Relationship Agreement Course: Empower Yourself, Strengthen your Relationships
Desteni Website  Understanding Consciousness, the Human Mind, Oneness & Equality
Desteni Wiki Structured, Organized Information about Self & Solutions
Desteni Forum  Forum with interactive support, resources and tools 

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

224: To Become a Leader...

I got the chance to organize an event for international women to come together, meet and make new friends at a nice restaurant. Since I was the organizer I got there early and planned to make sure I greet everyone who comes, as well as say goodbye, and get to know as many women as I could. This opportunity also allowed me to make new friends in the city I am living in, which is really cool!

So, there are many points I'd like to share that I have discovered and realized when I attended this event, but I will take one point and write about it in its own post blog over a series of blog about becoming a leader, or an effective organizer of a group. Because since I am the leader/creator/organizer of the group, I realize I have a lot of responsibility, not only from a managerial side, but from a standing-within-principle side, where it is my duty and responsibility to treat each member of this group the way I would like to be treated, and to become the organizer/leader of the group that stands within principles of what is best for all. This means, no judging of any member, speaking within support and never gossip, accepting and welcoming all who are interested, and stopping any form of comparison or competition within me.

Because I have seen these points come up in my face as I interacted with the ladies in the group. I saw how my mind went into judgement, into comparison, into not feeling good enough/self esteem issues, into worry about people not liking me, into competition towards other woman... points that I saw that are not cool and not what should exist in an organizer/leader of a group.

I met with an individual the other day and thought that they were very judgmental and it made me realize that I don't want to be like that as a person/leader. Then later someone assisted me to see how I within that had actually done exactly that -- I was judging the other person for judging, which I didn't see when I was in the situation -  thus showing me exactly that what I had seen in another still exists in myself and I could confirm the realization that: that this is not the kind of leader I want to be, and  I still have work to do in myself to create myself as the leader I want to be.

So -- I am going to from here on start a blog series focusing on becoming and creating myself into an organizer/leader that stands and exists within the principles of what is best for all.

Educational & Supportive Websites:
Journey to Life Blogs:     Personal Journeys of Self-Discovery
EQAFE.com  Free Self-Improvement Interviews
DIP Lite:  Free Self-Development Online Course
Desteni I Process: Online Self-Mastery Course at it's Finest
Relationship Agreement Course: Empower Yourself, Strengthen your Relationships
Desteni Website  Understanding the Human Mind, Oneness & Equality
Desteni Wiki Structured, Organized Information about Self & Solutions
Desteni Forum  Forum with interactive support, resources and tools 

Saturday, January 31, 2015

Day 223: Walking Me as the Temper-Tantrum Child

This is a continuation of the blog post: Reality Clashing with Desires, where I shared my observations of having frustration/anger/temper tantrum in regards to the idea that getting an apartment on my own with my partner is taking longer than I expected and want.

Now, my partner and I went to a government-sponsored apartment agency the other day with the expectation and idea that at our appointment with the worker they will show us available apartments that we can choose from to check out/look at. What ended up happening was the woman telling us that we need to use their website to get on a waiting list in order to look at the apartments, which is what we have been doing for 2-3 months with the waiting lists already being full. They told us it can take up to 3 years to find an apartment through them, because so many people use their agency.

When I heard of the news and realized we still have to wait to get an apartment, that no apartments are readily available to us, I could feel myself go into the temper tantrum/anger pattern. A strong righteous anger came up from my solar plexus right into my head, it felt like it was behind my forehead. I knew in that instant I was in a possession. I was NOT happy, and I had a very difficult time being calm and stable within the meeting, so I did what I could in that moment to stabilize myself -- self-forgiveness, rational thinking, etc.

After the meeting, it was like I was fighting with myself, a part of me wanted to express my dissatisfaction outwardly, but then another part knew that was not right/best because that would indicate I am in reaction, giving my power to the mind/energy, allowing myself to be LESS than energy/the mind/reaction. Though there came a moment where I wanted to express my anger by hitting something. I could actually feel the huge desire to physically hit something, as a way for me to 'get out' or express the anger I was existing within, as an outlet, to discharge the energy for a moment. I never had experienced this strong desire to emotionally act out/hit before, plus I see that even if I were to punch a pillow for example, it would only temporarily assist me but the underlying problem (my anger) still needs to be sorted out.  What I did was just breathe through the reaction until I was okay again.

So I am here to sort out this temper tantrum/anger, because I am 'done' with it and I have seen how much it has been taking over my life/who I am.  The earliest I can trace this pattern back is to childhood, specifically at my own birthday parties where I can recall I would end up crying at my own birthday party cause I wasn't 'satisfied' with anything.

From what I can remember from childhood, one of the reasons why I was not happy and went into the anger/temper tantrum was because my mom had control over everything: She planned all the activities and events at my party and I had no control or say over how I wanted things to go. I do remember my mom asking me what activity I wanted to do first, but even within that I felt stressed and suffocated in a way. I had no real reference or information on exactly how each activity goes/is played because I wasn't part of the creation process, so I felt very unsure and uncomfortabe, and I think my mom ended up choosing/deciding for me, and I went along with it.  This is perhaps why I went into a lot of stress and dissatisfaction at the majority of my birthday parties, because I had no role, control/direction or certainty of what is going on within birthday party process. Within that is an anger towards my mom for not considering me to have a role at my party, where she took absolute control without --what I perceive -- any regard for me and what I wanted to do.

Okay, I will stop here and continue with more in the next blog. Thanks for reading.


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Educational & Supportive Websites:
Journey to Life Blogs:     Personal Journeys of Self-Discovery
EQAFE.com  Free Self-Improvement Interviews
DIP Lite:  Free Self-Development Online Course
Desteni I Process: Online Self-Mastery Course at it's Finest
Relationship Agreement Course: Empower Yourself, Strengthen your Relationships
Desteni Website  Understanding the Human Mind, Oneness & Equality
Desteni Wiki Structured, Organized Information about Self & Solutions
Desteni Forum  Forum with interactive support, resources and tools