Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Day 206: Who Am I Without Another to Make Decisions for Me?

Continuation from:
Day 204: Who Am I Alone?

Day 205: Who Am I Without My Mother?

--Fear of no longer having anyone to help instead of realizing that if I require help I trust that I will find the means to do so/to find help
- See more at: http://michellesjourneytolife.blogspot.co.at/#sthash.PLTBl340.dpuf
Here I am walking a process of understanding who I am when I am alone, with no one around me, where I can not depend on another to help me and show me the way but where I must make decisions for myself and move myself, by myself/alone because I do realize that I have for basically all my life, depended on others to direct me, guide me, make decisions for me and then when opportunities where I am alone and must depend on myself become a reality, I "freak out" -- I react in fear/anxiety/panic.

I am continuing walking the points within the memory from the previous blog post.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to the idea of my mother leaving me/not being around because I fear no longer having someone be able to make or assist me in the final say of decisions I am unsure about instead of realizing I have used my mother to make decisions for me instead of developing self-trust by first checking to see if I can make the decision for me self-honestly without external support

When and as I see myself react in fear to the idea that I don't have my mother around for support on decisions I am unsure about, to stop, breathe and not allow myself to participate in the fear as I realize that I have allowed myself to give my trust to my mother in making decisions for me that I have not yet developed enough self-trust to make decisions for myself, thus I commit myself to assist and support myself to practice making decisions for myself within self-honesty as a way to develop self-trust and certainty within who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not first check/look within myself and/or write out what I am uncertain about to see if I can find the answer/best decision for myself first before going to my mother/another as I realize this exercise/activity is an excellent way for me to develop self-trust and decision making skills

I commit myself to assist and support myself to when I have the opportunity, write out that which I am uncertain about and use the tools of self-forgiveness and corrective application to see how I can direct myself with this point, and if I cannot find the answer or are uncertain after attempting the point myself, seek additional/external support

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act when the uncertainty comes up and immediately ask another for their answer/support instead of SLOWING DOWN with my breathing and asking myself first "what is the problem here? Where is this uncertainty coming from?" "How can I assist and support myself?" to see if I can assist and support myself first with finding an answer/best decision for me as I realize I have the tendency to when immediately in uncertainty towards a point/something go to my mother or someone I am close with and ask for their advice/answer and from their answer, make my decision and from this I realize that by immediately going to another and using their decision to influence mine, I am not slowing down and considering all outflows, consequences and dimensions related to that one point I am uncertain about, and thus I must slow down and really see for myself, within breathing if I can first sort out the uncertainty myself first before going to another

When and as I see myself become uncertain about a point and I want to immediately ask someone on what to do, I first STOP, breathe and immediately check within myself first if I already have the answer within self-honesty, and if I don't, then see if I can assist and support myself in that moment to look at the point or write it out in understanding the problem and any possible outflows/playouts/consequences towards making a decision towards this point as I realize when I am uncertain that means I do not know what to do and thus, need direction/understanding, so I commit myself to first check with myself to see if I can first direct me into finding the answer/decision before going to another for their perspective/help

So, a note to self: One of the ways to develop/build self-trust is to first check within self if self can find/answer one's own question self-honestly. If not, then can ask others for support.

Will continue in the next post. Thanks for reading!


[Image Source]



Educational & Supportive Websites:
Journey to Life Blogs:     Personal Journeys of Self-Discovery
EQAFE.com  Free Self-Improvement Interviews
DIP Lite:  Free Self-Development Online Course
Desteni I Process: Online Self-Mastery Course at it's Finest
Relationship Agreement Course: Empower Yourself, Strengthen your Relationships
Desteni Website  Understanding the Human Mind, Oneness & Equality
Desteni Wiki Structured, Organized Information about Self & Solutions
Desteni Forum  Forum with interactive support, resources and tools 

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Day 205: Who Am I Without My Mother?

Continuing from:
Who Am I Alone?


It was the first night my family was gone and I knew I would be seeing them tomorrow. I just had to hop on a plane. The first reaction that comes up is fear because I project through my mind my mom not being around. She has always been someone who has always provided support in the household, whether it's cooking or cleaning up a mess I made, she was always there, eventually 'picking up after me.' Now, that she was not there, it was as if I experienced a shock of not having that external support around me, and then the fear comes up of not knowing what to do with myself. I felt very empty inside like I lost or left a part of myself with my mother, like that support she has always given me was not around. So there was this illusionary experience of feeling/being empty, like half empty. Then there was the anxiety of not knowing what to do, but then a stress within projecting everything I needed to do that day came up because I had to prepare and pack for a flight tomorrow. I still had not yet sorted out or directed the fear point of not having my mother or family members as that external support of being around, and I started to feel unwell about it when I did my errands. It's interesting cause I realize if I had given myself some time to do some writing before I went off to do errands, then maybe I wouldn't have gotten so sick because through the writing I would have been able to see more clearly why I am reacting in fear and be able to direct it. Eventually as I walked my errands, I started to get a pain the bridge of my nose indicating sinus pressure. The pain then spread as a headache across my forehead and then I started to feel ill. When I got home I became so dizzy I threw up. I dealt with a stomach ache and nausea that entire night and the next morning. Then interestingly enough, once I got off the plane and greeted my mother and family the nausea went away and I felt fine.
Underlying points within the memory:

--React in fear towards a projection of my mom disappearing from me, no longer being around

--Fear of no longer having anyone to help instead of realizing that if I require help I trust that I will find the means to do so/to find help

--Fear/anxiety of not knowing what to do with myself/having lack of self-trust having depended on others to move me/direct me

--That who I depended on not being there, feel empty, like a part of me left

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to a projection of my mother suddenly disappearing from me because I have connected no longer having my mother around to it being something scary because I realize I have depended on my mother so much and gave so much trust to her in taking care of me I have not allowed myself to develop the skills necessary to live/be on my own which is why imagining her disappearing from my life I see it as being unable to live without her

From this, I commit myself to investigate where I need to educate myself so I become confident living within the world system since I realize I have allowed myself to depend on others to take care of me and my survival

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am incapable of taking care of myself alone because I have depended on another instead of realizing the responsibility of my part that I believed myself to be fine living and depending on another instead of realizing there will come a time when I cannot depend on them forever as death comes to each one of us

I commit myself to understand the reality of death and to never take anyone or anything for granted in terms of depending on them to not take responsibility for myself but to learn from them/others and assist myself in understanding how to live on this planet in a way where I can live effectively

So thus, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to accept the reality that I cannot depend on my mother for the rest of my life, that it will get to the point where I cannot depend on her anymore, thus

I commit myself to use the realization that I cannot depend on my mother for the rest of my life as motivation to start living and understanding myself and how to work/live in this system, how to essentially 'grow up' and learn how this world works since it'll get to a point where my mom will not be here anymore

Will continue in the next blog post...thanks for reading!


[Image Source]



Educational & Supportive Websites:
Journey to Life Blogs:     Personal Journeys of Self-Discovery
EQAFE.com  Free Self-Improvement Interviews
DIP Lite:  Free Self-Development Online Course
Desteni I Process: Online Self-Mastery Course at it's Finest
Relationship Agreement Course: Empower Yourself, Strengthen your Relationships
Desteni Website  Understanding the Human Mind, Oneness & Equality
Desteni Wiki Structured, Organized Information about Self & Solutions
Desteni Forum  Forum with interactive support, resources and tools 

Friday, August 1, 2014

Day 204: Who Am I Alone?

An interesting point opened up for me where I was asked if I had looked at the fear of being alone. This question came up after I discussed some personal points with the person about how I have had difficulty stabilizing myself while living here in a foreign country. This brought up a memory where my family went on a short holiday while I stayed home to work and I ended up getting sick because I was so anxious being alone without them.

So this will be an interesting journey as I explore this point.

Let me first dissect a memory where I could see myself really reacting to being alone:

It was the first night my family was gone and I knew I would be seeing them tomorrow. I just had to hop on a plane. The first reaction that comes up is fear because I project through my mind my mom not being around. She has always been someone who has always provided support in the household, whether it's cooking or cleaning up a mess I made, she was always there, eventually 'picking up after me.' Now, that she was not there, it was as if I experienced a shock of not having that external support around me, and then the fear comes up of not knowing what to do with myself. I felt very empty inside like I lost or left a part of myself with my mother, like that support she has always given me was not around. So there was this illusionary experience of feeling/being empty, like half empty. Then there was the anxiety of not knowing what to do, but then a stress within projecting everything I needed to do that day came up because I had to prepare and pack for a flight tomorrow. I still had not yet sorted out or directed the fear point of not having my mother or family members as that external support of being around, and I started to feel unwell about it when I did my errands. It's interesting cause I realize if I had given myself some time to do some writing before I went off to do errands, then maybe I wouldn't have gotten so sick because through the writing I would have been able to see more clearly why I am reacting in fear and be able to direct it.

Eventually as I walked my errands, I started to get a pain the bridge of my nose indicating sinus pressure. The pain then spread as a headache across my forehead and then I started to feel ill. When I got home I became so dizzy I threw up. I dealt with a stomach ache and nausea that entire night and the next morning. Then interestingly enough, once I got off the plane and greeted my mother and family the nausea went away and I felt fine.

The extent to which emotions can influence the body is astounding. This realization came through after a Destonian showed me how one can put so much pressure on the body through emotions/being emotional one can become sick, the body can handle only so much, so that is why it is so important to move and direct yourself IMMEDIATELY when emotions come up within you. This I have now taken seriously after having dealt with random health issues and experiences for the last 6 months. That I really cannot any more allow myself and my body to go through pressure of emotions due my own participation within them. So far I have been practising being more aware of myself, breathing, and using self-forgiveness when I see an emotion/energy movement come up inside me. It is tough because I have noticed points where I didn't want to say Self-Forgiveness and let go of the point which means I need to look deeper into it.

So, I am going to walk the Alone point now in this blog since it is relevant to what is going on now in my life.

In the next blog post I will continue with dissecting the memory and walking Self-Forgiveness.

[Image Source]





Educational & Supportive Websites:
Journey to Life Blogs:     Personal Journeys of Self-Discovery
EQAFE.com  Free Self-Improvement Interviews
DIP Lite:  Free Self-Development Online Course
Desteni I Process: Online Self-Mastery Course at it's Finest
Relationship Agreement Course: Empower Yourself, Strengthen your Relationships
Desteni Website  Understanding the Human Mind, Oneness & Equality
Desteni Wiki Structured, Organized Information about Self & Solutions
Desteni Forum  Forum with interactive support, resources and tools 

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Day 203: The Idea I Must Know EVERYTHING - Part 2

Continuing from:
Day 202: The Idea I Must Know EVERYTHING

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others when I do not receive enough/any information that I requested from them because they don't know/don't have that information because I realize that I expected and believed that they know the answer and when they don't GIVE ME what I wanted/the information, I react. I realize that I make it an emotional point in my mind if someone I think/believed/judged has the answer does not actually have it. I do not want to hold expectations or ideas about what people may know just like I don't want people to place expectations on me but I see if others have shown/proven what they are skilled/knowledgeable at in a certain area that's cool cause then I can see where they are knowledgeable at but not make it emotional if they can't provide the support I require

So, now what opened up is the pattern of: when I do not get/receive the answers/information I want I react within judgement and/or the emotion like irritation. There is one example where I asked someone about a famous building, wanting to know some history behind it and the person could not answer my question (they did not know) and I went into judgement, expecting them to know and I assumed/got the idea they should know about this building because of how long they've been living around the area. However, when I got to know the person I found out that despite being close to the famous building they rarely walked by it and got to know about it due to their life and living experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into judgement when another does not have the information or answer I expect from them instead of realizing I formed an idea/opinion about them that they know the answer and I put my trust into this idea instead of actually cross-referencing with reality by asking them genuinely if they have any information or answers, and within this I realized I had trusted an idea in my mind that they do know the answer/have the information based on assumptions according to who they are and where they live

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust the ideas in my mind about another having a certain amount of knowledge or information simply from assumptions I made up due to ideas I gathered according to how I perceive who they are, where they are from, their life/etc and when those ideas to do not match up to reality I react

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect and WANT an answer from another when I ask them a question and when they don't have the answer for me, I react in anger and frustration and within this I realize I have the desire to want things NOW and when I don't get things I want NOW (like answers) I react not realizing it's me as the mind throwing the tantrum because I am not getting my desire fulfilled immediately and thus must be patient and consider the other person/situation which means I must set aside my self-interest and the desire of getting what I want immediately and consider reality and the people I am around.

I can see how the point of reacting when I don't get things my way influences who I am within and around others. This is a point I am going to flag point and walk through in other blog posts. I am going to right now just focus on judgement when I do not receive the answers or information I need/want.

Self-Commitments & Self-Corrective Statements:


When and as I see myself go into stress expecting me to know a lot of information about a topic/subject within a short period of time, I stop, I breathe and I do not allow myself participate anymore in the stress and self-pressure but focus on my breathing and relaxing my body as I realize that it will be a space-time process of learning and educating myself where it will take time to do this and thus I commit myself to stop expecting and placing pressure on myself for needing/having to learn a lot of information within a certain time period and simply organize my time to walk each point of information I need to know/educate myself on within my own self-study pace as practical as I can, letting go of any stress or tension as I realize I can only really take in so much information at a time

When and as I see myself go into self-judgement about "I should have known this/I should know this because I live here" I stop, I breathe and I do not allow myself to participate in the judgement as I realize this point comes from my ex-boyfriend who made judgement/criticism about my lack of knowledge on my town and I took that personally and from this I realize that while it's helpful/supportive to be aware and know one's place of residence/area it doesn't mean self is less than or inadequate to another if one doesn't have certain information/knowledge on one's town/residential area, it simply means self doesn't have the knowledge/information existent within them and so, is supportive to learn for oneself more about their place of residence

I commit myself to educate myself on my residential area so I am aware of what is around me and if any fear or doubt towards not knowing something about my residential area comes up, I EDUCATE MYSELF so I know the answers/know about my area

When and as I see myself react in fear and/or helplessness towards not having information/knowledge about a certain part or building of my residential area I stop, I breathe and I do not allow myself to participate in the fear/helplessness as I realize that I do not have the information/knowledge existent within me thus there is no point to react to this point as I realize I am not perfect and I cannot give everyone all answers as I am also new to this area so I am still in the process of learning myself, so I commit myself to give myself a break and stop beating myself up for not having enough information/knowledge to please/satisfy another's question as I am still in the learning process myself, learning about my area, and so within this, I can use what I do not know about my area to actually seek out the answers so I can assist myself and another in learning more about my area

I commit myself to let go of any judgement I may have towards another who does not know the answer or can provide information/knowledge that I want/would like to know as I realize that this point of judging another for not having information comes from my upbringing in school or family whereas if I do not have answers the possibility of being judged or ridiculed is most likely when really the point behind this is competition/survival of the fittest and 'who knows it all,' because the one with most knowledge and information succeeds and does well in school/the system.

I commit myself to investigate the "Give Me What I Want" character/personality as I realize it is harmful and spiteful to exist within it as I only consider myself and my wants instead of others, equal to/as me

I commit myself to accept the reality that: if someone doesn't have an answer for me, they don't have an answer for me, and thus I take it on myself to seek for the answer myself or assist the other in finding the answer for me

I commit myself to ask specific questions to see if I can receive the specific information/knowledge/assistance I require

When and as I experience the desire/energy of wanting an answer NOW I stop, I breathe and I do not allow myself to participate anymore in this energy as I realize that it's a self-interest point where I am driven to get things my way now instead of considering space-time reality and others. Thus I commit myself to practice and live patience within my day to day life by first exploring and redefining the word myself and then practice becoming it in fact, all the while breathing and practising remaining here when I see myself go into energy/emotion of wanting to get an answer NOW.




Check out these sites that are full of support:

Journey to Life Blogs

FREE Self-Help Interviews:
EQAFE Downloads

FREE Self-Development/Life Skills Course:
DIP Lite

Awesome Life & Living Support:
Desteni Website

Desteni Wiki
Desteni Forum

Monday, July 21, 2014

Day 202: The Idea I Must Know EVERYTHING

I am not confident to walk my word redefinition blogs publicly and require my DIP buddy's cross-reference before I publish, so I am going to open another point that has been pretty apparent and really came up to the surface today.

The point is that I have placed a lot of pressure on myself to be a type of person who holds a lot of knowledge and information about the city I am now living in for people who will be visiting me in the coming weeks and I've held this idea that I must know a lot about the city because of a fear of them asking me questions and me not being able to answer them. So, thus fearing the reactions or judgements of others if I am unable to answer or give historical information on the places I will be showing them around.

I see I have done this (judging others) in other aspects of my life, judging others for not having the knowledge and information I thought they had and wanted from them.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place pressure on myself within the idea that I MUST store/have within me enough knowledge and information so I can satisfy questions that others have about where I live because of the idea that since I live here I must have a certain amount of knowledge and information about it


I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I got this idea of having to know all things about where I live from my ex-boyfriend who judged me for not knowing the street names of my town instead of realizing that I allowed myself to take his words personally and believe me to be at fault because I did not align or match up to what he expected of me through his own mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to provide a good enough answer to satisfy someone's questions instead of realizing that I only have and can answer what I know/am aware of in the moment and thus use this fear to actually study and learn about where I live so I can support me with understanding my city/surroundings and assist another if they want to learn about it as well


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others to judge me if I cannot provide them with enough information to satisfy their needs instead of realizing that I have judged others if I expect them to know something when they don't

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others when I do not receive enough/any information that I requested from them because they don't know/don't have that information because I realize that I expected and believed that they know the answer and when they don't GIVE ME what I wanted/the information, I react. I realize that I make it an emotional point in my mind if someone I think/believed/judged has the answer does not actually have it. I do not want to hold expectations or ideas about what people may know just like I don't want people to place expectations on me but I see if others have shown/proven what they are skilled/knowledgeable at in a certain area that's cool cause then I can see where they are knowledgeable at but not make it emotional if they can't provide the support I require

Will continue in the next post, thanks for reading.


[Image Source]



Check out these sites that are full of support:

Journey to Life Blogs

FREE Self-Help Interviews:
EQAFE Downloads

FREE Self-Development/Life Skills Course:
DIP Lite

Awesome Life & Living Support:
Desteni Website

Desteni Wiki
Desteni Forum