Monday, July 21, 2014

Day 202: The Idea I Must Know EVERYTHING

I am not confident to walk my word redefinition blogs publicly and require my DIP buddy's cross-reference before I publish, so I am going to open another point that has been pretty apparent and really came up to the surface today.

The point is that I have placed a lot of pressure on myself to be a type of person who holds a lot of knowledge and information about the city I am now living in for people who will be visiting me in the coming weeks and I've held this idea that I must know a lot about the city because of a fear of them asking me questions and me not being able to answer them. So, thus fearing the reactions or judgements of others if I am unable to answer or give historical information on the places I will be showing them around.

I see I have done this (judging others) in other aspects of my life, judging others for not having the knowledge and information I thought they had and wanted from them.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place pressure on myself within the idea that I MUST store/have within me enough knowledge and information so I can satisfy questions that others have about where I live because of the idea that since I live here I must have a certain amount of knowledge and information about it


I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I got this idea of having to know all things about where I live from my ex-boyfriend who judged me for not knowing the street names of my town instead of realizing that I allowed myself to take his words personally and believe me to be at fault because I did not align or match up to what he expected of me through his own mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to provide a good enough answer to satisfy someone's questions instead of realizing that I only have and can answer what I know/am aware of in the moment and thus use this fear to actually study and learn about where I live so I can support me with understanding my city/surroundings and assist another if they want to learn about it as well


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others to judge me if I cannot provide them with enough information to satisfy their needs instead of realizing that I have judged others if I expect them to know something when they don't

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others when I do not receive enough/any information that I requested from them because they don't know/don't have that information because I realize that I expected and believed that they know the answer and when they don't GIVE ME what I wanted/the information, I react. I realize that I make it an emotional point in my mind if someone I think/believed/judged has the answer does not actually have it. I do not want to hold expectations or ideas about what people may know just like I don't want people to place expectations on me but I see if others have shown/proven what they are skilled/knowledgeable at in a certain area that's cool cause then I can see where they are knowledgeable at but not make it emotional if they can't provide the support I require

Will continue in the next post, thanks for reading.


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Thursday, July 17, 2014

Day 201: The Word Relax - Part 3

Continuation from:
The word Relax
The Word Relax - Part 2

I am walking a word redefinition where I am clearing all the memories, thoughts, emotions and feelings towards a word so as to lift the veil from how I saw the word with my own limited view, then see what the world actually is in this world system and then walk a redefinition process where I see how I can live this world as an expression of myself

My current definition of relax is more of an idea or a picture of me completely letting every single tension and tightness within my body go and no longer allowing oneself to go into that point again, and within that I picture me as ‘relaxed’ walking or floating around aimlessly through life smiling, feeling ‘free’ however I can’t take care of myself or work in this world cause I am ‘too relaxed’ – I am not prepared or ready enough to do my work, I have let go of all the worries, concerns and tensions within me. LOL this is definitely an idea I have that I know does not align with reality, so I will walk self-forgiveness in releasing these ideas.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word RELAX to the idea that I completely let go of every tension and tightness in my body to the extent where I become listless, ethereal, floating and thus existing aimlessly in life in this experience of bliss

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word RELAX to the idea that I would be in constant bliss to the point where I am not around of my surroundings instead of realizing this is an idea I got from a movie where people were smoking pot and relaxing on the floor, were smiling and happy and from there I gathered/concluded that's what being absolutely relaxed is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect being relaxed to smoking pot through believing one can only relax if you smoke a joint instead of realizing this is an idea I created in the mind from an assumption that to be relaxed, in fact one can only get there to smoke point instead of realizing that one can become relaxed as a living expression without any chemicals/drugs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being so relaxed I become unaware of myself and my environment instead of realizing that would only be so if I were to take drugs, ingest chemicals, or allow myself to create such an experience within because I realize to be relaxed as a living expression within oneness and equality as what is best for all, one is always aware of oneself

I commit myself to let go of the ideas and associations that to be relaxed one has to smoke pot and assist and support myself to find out how to be relaxed as a physical expression of myself

I will continue with this redefinition word process in the next blog...thanks for reading!

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Day 200: Walking a Point into Completion?


Today I listened to the EQAFE interview What is Self Awareness and one thing I realized was how I have the tendency to not bring points into completion. This can be seen in my blogs where I will start with a point and then the next day work on another point, and the first point thus gets left on the "back burner" and I cycle into this pattern and then resist going back to working on the old points. I understand that walking one point at a time into completion and correction allows self to receive the gifts of new insights and realizations of self-awareness that come within walking the specific process.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist walking a point into completion because I have never really, truly, self-honestly done it before

I commit myself to pick one point and align my time and schedule to walking the point within a consistent manner so I develop consistency and also assist myself to practice walking points into absolute completion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the behavior of writing and focusing on one point, and the the next day walking a different point and from this, pushing the first point behind instead of bringing each point through into completion through my blog because I realize if I do not follow through on my points anger and irritation build up within me because I know self-honestly I am not sticking to one point and this only fuels/supports laziness within me. I realize it takes real dedication, “hard work” as effort, focus and discipline to be able to walk through a point into its completion, and from this I understand that gifts of self-awareness and realization will emerge the more I continue walking points through and within dedication

I commit myself to use myself as cross-reference to see whether I am pulling a point through enough by checking with myself self-honestly because I realize if I do not follow through on a point anger and irritation build up cause I know I’m not changing enough/as effectively, so I assist and support myself to align within walking each point to the best of my ability

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed laziness and apathy to override the motivation to pull a point through by walking all the steps and dimensions required because of the resistance attached to the fact/reality that it’s going to take a while and require a lot of time and effort on my part to pull a point through into completion and from this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to push myself through the resistance when I face the fact/reality that I need to add more, investigate more, go deeper more in a point since I realize it takes time, effort and patience

I realize it is not something one can do within a certain expected time because I realize each point is unique and has it’s own energy and time-frame, thus I take and “treat” each point as the uniqueness it is and walk with no expectations about it, walking this point for me within the realization and starting point that walking this point will allow me to learn more about myself and empower myself to take control of my life and change myself from an energetic-consciousness-fueled robot to a self-aware being. I also realize gifts of insights and realizations come through the more I push through the resistances towards walking through a point to its utmost completion

I commit myself to push through any resistance I face towards finishing/completing a point by reminding myself that I am exactly where I need to be and through pushing through the resistance I will uncover more dimensions and gifts of insight that will assist me in actually getting the point done and from this I commit to live realizations that come through and redefine myself/who I am as I walk each point in its completion




Okay, I will stop here for today. I will continue with the point I recently left off with (redefining the word RELAX) for the next blog post…thanks for reading.

Saturday, July 5, 2014

Day 199: The word RELAX - Part 2

Continuation from Day 198: The word RELAX
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I were to be relaxed my guard will be down, meaning my protection and defence mechanisms that are there to ‘prepare’ me for any ‘blows or attacks’ from others behaviours or reactions and from this I realize that allowing myself to relax will assist and support me in being more in ‘tune’ with how my body responds to my thoughts/emotions so I can face and work with what I see and am aware of – thus, being relax will support me in my process of self-awareness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the idea and belief that being relax is when you completely ‘let yourself go’ meaning not having any care of preparation for what you need to do or live in this world but sink into an ethereal state of ‘bliss’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect being relaxed to being ignorant, where being relaxed within oneself and ‘letting go’ means to not be aware of this moment instead of realizing it is practically possible to be aware of oneself and let go of the tension/constrictions in one’s body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot relax in this world, that I always need to be ‘up and ready’ and ‘prepared’ for something to come my way, instead of realizing this is a personality I created where I “can’t relax” through justifying that I need to be ready/prepared for fear of something happening to me that can threaten my survival in this world and from this I realize that one can live in this world and be aware and prepared for whatever may come within a relaxed state in the body of breathing normally, letting go of tensions in the body and walking forgiveness and self-correction when one sees a mind point causing tension/constriction in the body

I will continue with more self-introspection and insight into the word RELAX as well as look into the Etymology definition and historical context of the word in the next blog post to come, thanks for reading.






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Monday, June 30, 2014

Day 198: The word RELAX

Today I am going to begin walking the word RELAX and find how I can practically live this world in my day-to-day living. As I look at the word relax I already think to myself that this is something I can’t do. “I can’t relax” comes up, as well as the old self-definition of that because of my astrological birth chart and having my moon in Gemini it is impossible to relax because such Gemini’s cannot relax – they are always on the move, thinking.

There is also the fear of being able to relax because of this tendency that I have to be up and ready for something. That if I were to relax, that means my guard will be down and I won’t be prepared if something were to come, like for example someone asking me a question and I imagine me being relaxed and not having the answer for the person. So, now I am looking at school, where in school I could not relax because I had to be ‘prepared’ so to speak to give an answer or to speak/participate in class, so the idea of tightening my stomach and ‘being ready’ while in class comes up as well.

In the “real world” where I was working before, it was hard for me to relax because I had to be ready wherever I go, prepared with what I do. So I see relax as being able to let go of all the tension and tightening of the body and completely letting loose of any preparation or readiness that one needs to have to live/exist in the world. So I see it as basically impossible to ‘relax’ in my eyes because I believe I need to be prepared for something/anything every moment of breath. This ties into the system/world we live in today where we constantly are in survival mode – we need to get the money through our jobs or environment to survive/eat/drink/sleep in shelter, so I see it as one cannot relax in this world, one cannot really let their body ‘go,’ one has to ‘be ready and prepared for whatever may come.’ Looking at this, I do realize one can be both relaxed and prepared at the same time, walking through the world system and one’s daily life in such a way.

My current definition of relax is more of an idea or a picture of me completely letting every single tension and tightness within my body go and no longer allowing oneself to go into that point again, and within that I picture me as ‘relaxed’ walking or floating around aimlessly through life smiling, feeling ‘free’ however I can’t take care of myself or work in this world cause I am ‘too relaxed’ – I am not prepared or ready enough to do my work, I have let go of all the worries, concerns and tensions within me. LOL this is definitely an idea I have that I know does not align with reality, so I will walk self-forgiveness in releasing these ideas.


Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe automatically that relaxing is something I cannot do and use justifications like “it’s not who I am” and my astrological personality prevents me from doing so instead of realizing I can break out of my programming and actually practically live the word relax.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project me not being able to relax because “it’s not who I am,” and within that imagine me all fussy laying down and not being able to let go because all the thoughts and worries are in my mind that I am giving value and attention to and from this, I see, realize and understand that I am holding onto a belief that I cannot shut off my mind and simply be here, breathing and relaxing within myself and my body because of the excuse that the thoughts and worries in my mind are more important and must be given attention and from this I realize that all those thoughts and worries within my mind can be written down on paper so I can see and deal with them all instead of thinking and mulling in my mind about them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify that I cannot relax because I have to always be “up and ready” for something, not realizing that I can still find ways to practically prepare myself in this world and be relaxed within and as my body


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse that I can never relax because of a memory I have been holding onto where I blamed Mrs. P my high school teacher for not leaving me alone when she asked me a question when I didn’t know and stood there waiting for the right answer, pushing me to find it/remember it and I did not know and did not want to really know because I wanted to be ignored and invisible in class, and from there defined this experience as the reason why I can ‘never relax’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I were to be relaxed my guard will be down, meaning my protection and defence mechanisms that are there to ‘prepare’ me for any ‘blows or attacks’ from others behaviours or reactions and from this I realize that allowing myself to relax will assist and support me in being more in ‘tune’ with how my body responds to my thoughts/emotions so I can face and work with what I see and am aware of – thus, being relax will support me in my process of self-awareness


Will continue in the next blog post...







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