Saturday, January 31, 2015

Day 223: Walking Me as the Temper-Tantrum Child

This is a continuation of the blog post: Reality Clashing with Desires, where I shared my observations of having frustration/anger/temper tantrum in regards to the idea that getting an apartment on my own with my partner is taking longer than I expected and want.

Now, my partner and I went to a government-sponsored apartment agency the other day with the expectation and idea that at our appointment with the worker they will show us available apartments that we can choose from to check out/look at. What ended up happening was the woman telling us that we need to use their website to get on a waiting list in order to look at the apartments, which is what we have been doing for 2-3 months with the waiting lists already being full. They told us it can take up to 3 years to find an apartment through them, because so many people use their agency.

When I heard of the news and realized we still have to wait to get an apartment, that no apartments are readily available to us, I could feel myself go into the temper tantrum/anger pattern. A strong righteous anger came up from my solar plexus right into my head, it felt like it was behind my forehead. I knew in that instant I was in a possession. I was NOT happy, and I had a very difficult time being calm and stable within the meeting, so I did what I could in that moment to stabilize myself -- self-forgiveness, rational thinking, etc.

After the meeting, it was like I was fighting with myself, a part of me wanted to express my dissatisfaction outwardly, but then another part knew that was not right/best because that would indicate I am in reaction, giving my power to the mind/energy, allowing myself to be LESS than energy/the mind/reaction. Though there came a moment where I wanted to express my anger by hitting something. I could actually feel the huge desire to physically hit something, as a way for me to 'get out' or express the anger I was existing within, as an outlet, to discharge the energy for a moment. I never had experienced this strong desire to emotionally act out/hit before, plus I see that even if I were to punch a pillow for example, it would only temporarily assist me but the underlying problem (my anger) still needs to be sorted out.  What I did was just breathe through the reaction until I was okay again.

So I am here to sort out this temper tantrum/anger, because I am 'done' with it and I have seen how much it has been taking over my life/who I am.  The earliest I can trace this pattern back is to childhood, specifically at my own birthday parties where I can recall I would end up crying at my own birthday party cause I wasn't 'satisfied' with anything.

From what I can remember from childhood, one of the reasons why I was not happy and went into the anger/temper tantrum was because my mom had control over everything: She planned all the activities and events at my party and I had no control or say over how I wanted things to go. I do remember my mom asking me what activity I wanted to do first, but even within that I felt stressed and suffocated in a way. I had no real reference or information on exactly how each activity goes/is played because I wasn't part of the creation process, so I felt very unsure and uncomfortabe, and I think my mom ended up choosing/deciding for me, and I went along with it.  This is perhaps why I went into a lot of stress and dissatisfaction at the majority of my birthday parties, because I had no role, control/direction or certainty of what is going on within birthday party process. Within that is an anger towards my mom for not considering me to have a role at my party, where she took absolute control without --what I perceive -- any regard for me and what I wanted to do.

Okay, I will stop here and continue with more in the next blog. Thanks for reading.


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Educational & Supportive Websites:
Journey to Life Blogs:     Personal Journeys of Self-Discovery
EQAFE.com  Free Self-Improvement Interviews
DIP Lite:  Free Self-Development Online Course
Desteni I Process: Online Self-Mastery Course at it's Finest
Relationship Agreement Course: Empower Yourself, Strengthen your Relationships
Desteni Website  Understanding the Human Mind, Oneness & Equality
Desteni Wiki Structured, Organized Information about Self & Solutions
Desteni Forum  Forum with interactive support, resources and tools 

Monday, January 26, 2015

Day 222: Working Together


I took the initiative to start up a Facebook group for women living in the (foreign) country I live in as a way for other women to ask questions, get answers, network, and share services/works with other women. I did this because I had a few ''women'' questions that I was not comfortable asking in public Fbook groups so I decided to open up my own group, a ''safe, closed group'' so to speak where women can assist other women with problems/questions in the specific city they are living in.

I offered my invitation to a Fbook Women's Association group (where they are also located in the same city as me) to join in. Then, a few of these women started to advertise/promote their group in the Fbook group I created. They wrote about how all the women's questions living in a foreign country can be answered in their group. From there, I felt like it was getting competitive, like they wanted to take away the women in MY group, and it got to the point where I wanted to start blocking these women, until I realized, hey wait, I'm in reaction, and I know that I create consequences when I'm in reaction, so let's stop, breathe and see maybe I can work something out with these ladies.

So I reached out, and I messaged one of the women and told them that I can help their group by placing a document in the files section of my Fbook Women's group with their information, so, if they see that another can benefit from looking into their group, they can point the person to the document. Then from that I started adding other resources and information that women may want to look up if they need additional assistance. Because then I realized, this is not just MY group, it's a group for women to gain and share information and resources with each other to make living in a foreign country a little easier. This was my original intent of creating the group in the first place, though reactions had to get in the way and I made things personal for a moment.

Anyways, my idea worked out well, and it turned out that the women contact me in need of assistance with their website (because in their group women pay for membership), and they asked me if I could assist, so just today I met one of the women, got to find out more about her and where she comes from and from there, was gifted volunteer opportunities in the group which will assist me in networking with others (in hopes to find a job) and expand my skills.

Thus, the point I'd like to share is that working WITH others is so much more beneficial than working against others, because you may never know what will open up.







Educational & Supportive Websites:
Journey to Life Blogs:     Personal Journeys of Self-Discovery
EQAFE.com  Free Self-Improvement Interviews
DIP Lite:  Free Self-Development Online Course
Desteni I Process: Online Self-Mastery Course at it's Finest
Relationship Agreement Course: Empower Yourself, Strengthen your Relationships
Desteni Website  Understanding the Human Mind, Oneness & Equality
Desteni Wiki Structured, Organized Information about Self & Solutions
Desteni Forum  Forum with interactive support, resources and tools 

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Day 221: What I Realized After Not Getting the Job

I walked some private Self-Forgiveness in relation to my reactions towards not getting the job I wanted, and certain insights and realizations came through that I want to share here:

One of the points I realized from my writing today was how easily I create and give into certain ideas about myself and situations. For example, I believed that I was going to get this teaching job, and I convinced myself I was going to get it because of memories I held onto that fueled this belief, such as when the director of the school said I was their favorite candidate and that the head teacher said they will ''see me later'' when we said goodbye. From these two instances I took their words ''to heart'' and fueled them into the idea that I was going to get the job, because 1) I was their favorite, and 2) the head teacher really likes me and said see you later, possibly indicating I will see her when I get the job.

However, I was not certain I was going to get the job because I had to wait to officially find out. So even despite thinking/believing I was going to get the job according to an idea based on memories, reality still had yet confirmed if it was true. And this made me uncertain about the outcome, because the point is -- only reality can confirm whether something is real or not, because even if I was the school's favorite candidate, does not mean that I will be their favorite the next day, because possibly maybe another candidate comes in with better qualifications/skills and thus, everything changes- I am no longer the favorite. Then perhaps the head teacher, having said ''see you later,'' could have been an empty goodbye (meaning, not being serious in that she really will see my later.)

I was first angry at myself for really believing I was going to get the job, like placing my entire trust in this idea, convincing myself because of this idea I had based on a few moments/memories of interaction with the school staff.

A second point is that the director of the school never called me or emailed me to tell me whether the job position was filled or not. I had to find out I didn't get the job by looking on the school's website. I had called the school about 2 weeks prior asking about the status on the job position and the director told me she would call after their holiday break, so I trusted her words and waited and didn't hear anything, so took the initiative to check online for any news and lo and behold, the new teacher's picture was on there.

Now, my reaction here was also anger because I felt and believed that what they (the director/School) did was not cool. Within that, I wanted to in someway show them that what they did was not right or fair, but today what I realized while watching a movie where Santa told Buddy the Elf that his father was on the ''naughty list'' was that I allowed myself to be stuck within the right/wrong good/bad polarity toward the point, where I thought/believed what the director of the school did was wrong/bad as a form of judgement and I wanted to justify that being upset about it is right, but guess what! Being angry over this point is useless because it would in no way change the situation or the director of the school themselves. I need to move on/find another job. Their actions of not calling me is simply showing parts of human nature and the money system that we participate/exist in, where priorities are more focused on self-interest than considering others. So this is not something I should take personally or get emotional about because this is generally what we are all existing in, and this is something I can learn from. I can use this situation to enhance my social skills in making sure that if someone is waiting to hear from me about something, that I make sure I get back to them, and keep to my word.

I share some Self-Forgiveness here:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger towards the memory of when I was told I was the school's favorite and I believed that was going to get me the job, instead of realizing how I should not take such statements and words to heart since it will only in fact be true when/if I get the job, because I realize how easily I believe in such words/statements from others instead of considering the reality that having the job will confirm the actual statement, so within this, I do see how I need to stop taking others words and statements to heart and to only really cross-reference such words through reality by asking questions, observing actions and events

Within this, I now see, realize and understand how ''gullible'' (for lack of a better word) I am towards words and statements from others where I so easily believe in their words/statements towards me instead of actually staying grounded, considering how reality/the system words nor believe or define myself according to what people say about me/towards me, but to first check with myself, cross-reference for myself who I am and who I want to be, because I realize I have given a lot of value to what people have said to me, or promised to me, but words have fallen short, so I cannot trust people's words entirely until it is proven through their actions and deeds, just like I have to prove who I am through my own words, actions and deeds

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify that I should be angry when I think about how another did not follow through with their word, instead of realizing that the anger within is indicating a point I exist in but do not want to see or face

I commit myself to become aware of when/where I say one thing but do not follow on my word, because I realize that by doing this shows through me and to others I am not trustworthy, and that I cannot stand in integrity, so I assist and support myself to flag point every point/facet I see within me where my words are not aligned with my actions, and direct myself to realign me into who I am/want to be through living/sticking to my word

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify that I should be upset at another for their actions instead of realizing how getting emotional/upset will do nothing to change the person, and that what matters is to actually cross-reference with myself to see if I exist in those same behaviors so then I can correct myself and not exist in it myself, to be able to stand as an example of what is best for all

I commit myself to stop justifying that I should/need to be angry over what another did to me and instead assist and support myself to see if I am existing in a similar point because the anger may also indicate a point I don't want to see and take responsibility for, since I realize the core nature of us all is in self-interest, thus I want to change this part of me, so I do this by becoming more aware of my behavior and general attitude towards others and find solutions to stop/change this point

That is it for tonight. Thanks for reading.


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Educational & Supportive Websites:
Journey to Life Blogs:     Personal Journeys of Self-Discovery
EQAFE.com  Free Self-Improvement Interviews
DIP Lite:  Free Self-Development Online Course
Desteni I Process: Online Self-Mastery Course at it's Finest
Relationship Agreement Course: Empower Yourself, Strengthen your Relationships
Desteni Website  Understanding the Human Mind, Oneness & Equality
Desteni Wiki Structured, Organized Information about Self & Solutions
Desteni Forum  Forum with interactive support, resources and tools 

Saturday, December 27, 2014

Day 220: Reality Clashing with Personal Desires

I react in anger to the thought/backchat that I did not expect to stay with my roommates for this long – that by now I should be living with my partner in our own apartment. But the reality is, we are not rich and we have to wait until an apartment within our budget and requirements come along, so this is going to take longer than anticipated. Impatience and irritation also come up. Existing in such emotions is not acceptable, because getting emotional is not going to solve or help the situation get better and will make living more problematic. I can't get everything my way, I need to be patient.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger to the thought/backchat of ''this is taking longer than expected'' and from this, I realize how manipulating this thought is, where it fuels my temper tantrums instead of realizing this is not the way to exist/live, but to really take things practically, be mature and walk space-time in being patient and doing what I can with finding a good apartment

When and as I see myself react in anger to the thought ''this is taking longer than I expected,'' I stop, I breathe and I do not allow myself to give in/participate in this manipulative thought because I know where this will take me -- into temper tantrums tendencies so from this, I commit myself to instead keep a cool head, be mature about this point by walking the apartment-process day by day, searching for apartments and practice breathing within/as patience of the point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak out in frustration to my partner, in a moment of reaction by saying ''I did not expect this to take so long,'' as a point of blame, to project this problem unto my partner instead of taking responsibility myself in seeing that I am making it harder on myself and my partner for being so emotional/difficult, I need to be patient, because to actually get an apartment I need to actively search for them, and do the waiting, because this is how the process works, and this is what I need to do, this is how reality works, so making an emotional big deal out of it is unnecessary because the process that needs to be walked is what it is

When and as I see myself want to complain or project blame unto my partner about our living situation, I stop, I breathe and I do not allow myself to do this because I realize acting out in such an emotional manner will not do anything to make the situation better and that if I were to see myself act like this in the eyes of another I would not be proud/happy with myself, so from this, I commit myself to stop complaining and/or projecting blame onto my partner about the situation because I know it's a temper tantrum/personality coming out and that even if I were to express myself emotionally, it still will not make the situation better, so I practice breathing through these emotions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger to the idea that the process of getting an apartment is taking so slow because I want an apartment now, instead of making peace with reality, in accepting my current situation as is, it is me who is making it harder than it should be

When and as I see myself react in anger to the idea/reality that this process is taking slower than I want, I stop, I breathe and I do not allow myself to give in/participate in the anger because I realize it's best to make peace with where I am in my situation, realizing I am only living temporarily with my roommates and in due time will be able to have my own living space

I commit myself to investigate the temper tantrum personality that exists within me where I want my wants manifested now and if not, will make an emotional big deal out of it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger to the reality/self-honest fact that I need to be patient, that my wants are not going to materialize quickly, that it is going to be a process to get an apartment I want, because that it how it is, so I need to train myself to make peace with reality, with how things work, I need to tell myself, communicate to my mind-self that I need to be patient

I commit myself to write out for myself how I am going to be patient within this apartment-hunting process, how am I going to live patience while walking this apartment-point and practice it until I become patience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the thought/backchat that we don't have enough money to get a nice apartment quickly instead of realizing how I'm manipulating myself to keep existing/fueling emotions towards the reality/point that apartments will not be handed out to me, it is something I have to actively participate and do myself

When and as I see myself participate in the backchat/thought we don't have enough money to get a nice apartment quickly, or ''if only we had a lot of money...'' I stop, I breathe and I do not allow myself to give in/participate in this thought because I realize its manipulative where it will take me into generating anger, fueling my temper tantrum personality into then projecting blame/becoming emotional about the apartment-point. I realize this point comes from a personality, and I commit myself to understand this personality in more detail so I can find solutions on how to change it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to complain and throw my anger out towards another, towards my partner for not having my ''Dream/desire'' manifest the way I want to because I want to have an apartment now, to have my own space, to be able to manage/organize/control my own environment, to be able to do things I want to do, go to sleep when I want to and within this can see I have control issues that come from my past where I have attached emotions to memories in my life where I have felt I have not been in control, where I couldn't have things I wanted to because parents wouldn't allow me. I realize, see and understand I have control issues that require to be investigated and changed.

I commit myself to change and stop my control issues and I do this by investigating, understanding and directing myself into what is best/most supportive for me in terms of how to change my control issues by walking the Desteni tools

Will look deeper into my temper tantrum personality and how to live patience in apartment-searching in the next posts, thanks.


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Educational & Supportive Websites:
Journey to Life Blogs:     Personal Journeys of Self-Discovery
EQAFE.com  Free Self-Improvement Interviews
DIP Lite:  Free Self-Development Online Course
Desteni I Process: Online Self-Mastery Course at it's Finest
Relationship Agreement Course: Empower Yourself, Strengthen your Relationships
Desteni Website  Understanding the Human Mind, Oneness & Equality
Desteni Wiki Structured, Organized Information about Self & Solutions
Desteni Forum  Forum with interactive support, resources and tools 

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Day 219: Regret and Self-Honesty (Overseas Package Example)

Through an online chat with my mother tonight, she told me that the package she sent over to me came back due to an ''insufficient address'' which is odd since she's sent over packages before to me just fine. Anyways, she told me she could send it back but it would cost 61 dollars.

I reacted in regret for her having to ship the package for so much money because the package included certain candies that only come out once a year in the states and I wanted her to send them to me, and looking at it now it's so unnecessary because they are just candies but I have given a lot of value towards them and I wanted them NOW.  So my mom was going to send them over as a holiday gift.

Even looking at it, even when I first told her I wanted these candies I had an uncomfortable feeling in my solar plexus because I knew self honestly that she can just hold onto them or store them in the freezer until I see her again, that mailing them is unnecessary, especially if it costs so much money to be shipped over.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand up within myself and my self-honesty and tell my mother that she can hold onto the candies because it was unnecessary for her to ship them over to me because I realize that I would most likely abuse these candies since I have not transcended or 'maintained' my addiction to sweets yet

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in regret and allow this to influence how I feel when I think about how my mom wasted $61 on sending candy to me, where I go into a low-negative experience within myself of shame, beating myself up for my mother wasting her money, as if it is my fault she wasted money
 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into guilt for my mother spending so much money on my package without me being aware of it until it was ''too late'' where the package came back and she wanted to know if I should send it to her again because I feel/experience myself as being a bossy person, expecting and wanting certain items to be shipped over to me without considering the finances involved with what I want and from this I realize that I do have the tendency of ignoring or not allowing myself to consider other people's life and finances in general when it comes to purchasing things/getting what I want

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand up for myself within self honesty and tell my mom that it's best she doesn't send over those candies because I know that I won't be able to eat the candies in moderation because I am not yet at the point where I can trust myself with sugar/sweets

The guilt and anger I have towards this point is prominent where I want to hold onto this mistake I made and beat myself up with it. But I realize that's a constant point I exist in and as, is beating myself up for mistakes I made. Look, I didn't see or was absolutely aware with the candy point, it was only until this reaction towards the package that I then looked at this point. So now I'm aware that I need to be more honest with myself when it comes to sugar and sweets, to really walk this path for me in making firm decisions of where I stand with candies/sweets, because in this case, candies/Sweets are not ''good'' for me because I do not have the ''strength'' to eat such things in moderation.

So, I commit myself to when and as I see myself react in guilt towards the memory of when my mom told me she spent $61 on a package of candy for me, I stop, I breathe and I do not allow myself to give into the guilt but instead realize that I made a mistake where I was not aware of who I was in my stand with sugar, and gave into my wants towards it instead of considering the money involved to send such a package, and sticking to my self-honesty

I commit myself to walk through my point with sugar, to really make firm decisions with myself on where I stand with this substance because I realize I do have a problem with it and need to get myself in control with it

When and as I see myself beat myself up for allowing my mom to spend a lot of money on a gift I don't need, but wanted, I stop, I breathe and I do not allow myself to participate in the pattern of beating myself for a mistake because I understand that the mistake happened because I wasn't acting within my self-honesty where I knew it was best for me to tell my mom to hold onto the candies instead of sending them over, and so this understanding allows me to learn from my mistake so I do not do this again




Educational & Supportive Websites:
Journey to Life Blogs:     Personal Journeys of Self-Discovery
EQAFE.com  Free Self-Improvement Interviews
DIP Lite:  Free Self-Development Online Course
Desteni I Process: Online Self-Mastery Course at it's Finest
Relationship Agreement Course: Empower Yourself, Strengthen your Relationships
Desteni Website  Understanding the Human Mind, Oneness & Equality
Desteni Wiki Structured, Organized Information about Self & Solutions
Desteni Forum  Forum with interactive support, resources and tools