Monday, September 15, 2014

Day 208: Rushed Until It's Lights Out at Midnight

I have been feeling constantly stressed throughout my day and a general sense of having to rush with this fear of having to get things done before midnight because that is when all my roommates are going to bed, and I must go to bed because there is no other room for me to continue doing my things.

Today for example I felt particularly rushed having to go grocery shopping, make food for my partner for school and work, take care of e-mails, work on the job process, download ebooks that were available for a limited time only free and then finishing up a transcription while then having to talk to my mother and having to deal with the news my grandmother passed away. And it seems like every day, lately I have had a lot to do, constant work, and I have really created a blame and a stress around these points, with being so busy and this idea I can't take a break, and when I do have time to take a break I am not fully relaxed/don't allow myself to relax because I have this fear I need to get things done.

So I really created a stress-pattern here within my day to day living and I'm writing it out so I can finally work with this and change myself from this pattern.

From what I understand stress comes from specific thought patterns that generate emotions like fear. One is this fear and projection that I need to get everything done by midnight tonight because that is the cut off time, I literally cannot work after midnight, I must go to sleep, because every room except the bathroom is occupied by people also going to bed at that time, and I feel very rushed and pressured that I need to complete all these tasks before midnight, and within that can see that I have reactions towards the reality that I have to get my things done before midnight because where I lived before I had my own freedom of having my own room and the 'freedom' to go to bed when I wanted to, and I wish that in my new home I can continue working like that, but my partner and I are currently living with other people as we try to find our own place, so I can see I am mad that I cannot work farther than midnight due to this living space so, I must go to bed at midnight, because everyone else is and I do not have any other room to go to to work on my things, so it is like, I must get things done, I have no other say or control over this point. I can't continue working, I have to consider other people and the 'rules of the house' which means, lights off at midnight.

And the problem I see is that I tend to push writing until late at night, when I'm finished with practical chores and points within my day, and when it's time to do writing, I don't have enough time that I want available for me to write and I react in anger about that, because I am not getting my way, it is what it is, so I must make the best out of it.

(A solution I can see is to do my writing and DIP for example in the morning, but I feel like other points need to be taken care of, and looking at it, these other points I like to do in the morning is checking my mail and facebook news, and there is resistance to changing this up but I see that this little switch of tasks in the morning may actually benefit me, so I will give this a shot, giving myself 30 minutes of DIP and then possibly at least an hour on writing in the morning.)

Okay, so here are the highlighted points I will be looking at from here on:

--Stress within my day with this idea/thought I need to get everything done by midnight

--Idea I can't take a break

--Blaming outside of myself that I can never get all my things done before midnight, also blame that I can't do more after midnight

--Feeling stifled and unable to be free with choosing what time I want to go to bed, because of the 'curfew' despite where I lived before

--Reactions of anger and thought 'this is not cool/unfair' to the reality that I cannot go to bed as I wish, I must consider others, and my enviroment is what it is and that there is no other room for me to go to except the bathroom, but it's not ideal to finish my tasks in there, lol, so in this regard need to make peace with the 'going to bed at midnight' rule

--Other general reactions towards not having enough space or room to do what I may freely, but have to consider my roommates space, bed times, and rooms

--Reactions towards being in a different environment than where I lived before and not having the space that I wish/have had before

--Reactions of having limited access to do things because roommates wake up around 9am

--Anger I have to consider other's bed times

--Thought 'I have so much to do' with reaction/emotions of stress, fear of not getting everything I need done in time/by midnight

--Believe I cannot relax, and I don't want to relax because I feel like things need to get done before midnight

--Pressuring myself and creating emotions out fear of getting things done before midnight (what do I fear losing or happening to me/my world?)

--I want to be able to live in this current living situation without stress, but being able to work with a schedule, work with what I have so I may live stress-free in a tight living environment

--Reactions towards not having control over this midnight point, that I must take my roommates bed times into consideration and go to bed, even though I don't want to go to bed at that time

--Working with my schedule to really see how I can fit priorities within my day/week so they can get done and not pushed until late in the night where I then react cause I don't have enough time to complete the priorities

Whew that's a lot... To be continued...thanks for reading!


Educational & Supportive Websites:
Journey to Life Blogs:     Personal Journeys of Self-Discovery
EQAFE.com  Free Self-Improvement Interviews
DIP Lite:  Free Self-Development Online Course
Desteni I Process: Online Self-Mastery Course at it's Finest
Relationship Agreement Course: Empower Yourself, Strengthen your Relationships
Desteni Website  Understanding the Human Mind, Oneness & Equality
Desteni Wiki Structured, Organized Information about Self & Solutions
Desteni Forum  Forum with interactive support, resources and tools 

Friday, September 12, 2014

Day 207: Underestimating Language Skills

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when someone asks me a question in German to automatically say to them 'I speak English' instead of actually listening to what they just asked and see if I can comprehend them and answer back before I automatically give up within myself and say I speak English.

I see realize and understand that the last 2 questions I got from strangers in stores I actually did understand them if I had given myself a moment or two to comprehend/translate it in my head, but because I had already formed a belief and fear that I can't/won't be able understand them, i gave up and told them I speak English.

When and as someone asks me a question in German and I see myself go into fear of not being able to understand them, I stop, I breathe and I let the fear go and see if I can actually understand what they just asked because I realize the last two situations I've had with German speakers was that I actually did understand what they asked but automatically and easily said 'I speak English.' I realize I am underestimating myself with my German skills, that I so easily give up within myself instead of giving myself a chance to interact in German, so I commit myself to assist and support myself to expand my German communication skills by being open to questions and interactions from German speakers, and continue to study/practice the language, as I see this will assist me in becoming more confident with the language.

I commit to give myself a few moments when someone asks me a question in German to first test my understanding and if I do not understand them or can't answer back, then I honestly communicate to them that I don't know, I speak English.





Educational & Supportive Websites:
Journey to Life Blogs:     Personal Journeys of Self-Discovery
EQAFE.com  Free Self-Improvement Interviews
DIP Lite:  Free Self-Development Online Course
Desteni I Process: Online Self-Mastery Course at it's Finest
Relationship Agreement Course: Empower Yourself, Strengthen your Relationships
Desteni Website  Understanding the Human Mind, Oneness & Equality
Desteni Wiki Structured, Organized Information about Self & Solutions
Desteni Forum  Forum with interactive support, resources and tools 

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Day 207: When I Lack Language Skills




I went to a hair salon. I wanted to get my haircut but was unsure if whether the workers there could speak English. When I entered I had a reaction of shame and embarrassment about me having to communicate to the greeter to tell them I have an appointment in English. Fortunately he answered back in English, but then when it was my time to meet my hairdresser I saw her hesitate and hang by this other hairdresser, then she and the hairdresser came up, and I was told my hairdresser didn't know how to speak English so they were going to translate for her. I felt so ashamed. In the end, I was able to communicate a bit to her in German, and got my haircut, however the shame and embarrassment lingers within me.




Educational & Supportive Websites:
Journey to Life Blogs:     Personal Journeys of Self-Discovery
EQAFE.com  Free Self-Improvement Interviews
DIP Lite:  Free Self-Development Online Course
Desteni I Process: Online Self-Mastery Course at it's Finest
Relationship Agreement Course: Empower Yourself, Strengthen your Relationships
Desteni Website  Understanding the Human Mind, Oneness & Equality
Desteni Wiki Structured, Organized Information about Self & Solutions
Desteni Forum  Forum with interactive support, resources and tools 

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Day 206: Who Am I Without Another to Make Decisions for Me?

Continuation from:
Day 204: Who Am I Alone?

Day 205: Who Am I Without My Mother?

--Fear of no longer having anyone to help instead of realizing that if I require help I trust that I will find the means to do so/to find help
- See more at: http://michellesjourneytolife.blogspot.co.at/#sthash.PLTBl340.dpuf
Here I am walking a process of understanding who I am when I am alone, with no one around me, where I can not depend on another to help me and show me the way but where I must make decisions for myself and move myself, by myself/alone because I do realize that I have for basically all my life, depended on others to direct me, guide me, make decisions for me and then when opportunities where I am alone and must depend on myself become a reality, I "freak out" -- I react in fear/anxiety/panic.

I am continuing walking the points within the memory from the previous blog post.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to the idea of my mother leaving me/not being around because I fear no longer having someone be able to make or assist me in the final say of decisions I am unsure about instead of realizing I have used my mother to make decisions for me instead of developing self-trust by first checking to see if I can make the decision for me self-honestly without external support

When and as I see myself react in fear to the idea that I don't have my mother around for support on decisions I am unsure about, to stop, breathe and not allow myself to participate in the fear as I realize that I have allowed myself to give my trust to my mother in making decisions for me that I have not yet developed enough self-trust to make decisions for myself, thus I commit myself to assist and support myself to practice making decisions for myself within self-honesty as a way to develop self-trust and certainty within who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not first check/look within myself and/or write out what I am uncertain about to see if I can find the answer/best decision for myself first before going to my mother/another as I realize this exercise/activity is an excellent way for me to develop self-trust and decision making skills

I commit myself to assist and support myself to when I have the opportunity, write out that which I am uncertain about and use the tools of self-forgiveness and corrective application to see how I can direct myself with this point, and if I cannot find the answer or are uncertain after attempting the point myself, seek additional/external support

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act when the uncertainty comes up and immediately ask another for their answer/support instead of SLOWING DOWN with my breathing and asking myself first "what is the problem here? Where is this uncertainty coming from?" "How can I assist and support myself?" to see if I can assist and support myself first with finding an answer/best decision for me as I realize I have the tendency to when immediately in uncertainty towards a point/something go to my mother or someone I am close with and ask for their advice/answer and from their answer, make my decision and from this I realize that by immediately going to another and using their decision to influence mine, I am not slowing down and considering all outflows, consequences and dimensions related to that one point I am uncertain about, and thus I must slow down and really see for myself, within breathing if I can first sort out the uncertainty myself first before going to another

When and as I see myself become uncertain about a point and I want to immediately ask someone on what to do, I first STOP, breathe and immediately check within myself first if I already have the answer within self-honesty, and if I don't, then see if I can assist and support myself in that moment to look at the point or write it out in understanding the problem and any possible outflows/playouts/consequences towards making a decision towards this point as I realize when I am uncertain that means I do not know what to do and thus, need direction/understanding, so I commit myself to first check with myself to see if I can first direct me into finding the answer/decision before going to another for their perspective/help

So, a note to self: One of the ways to develop/build self-trust is to first check within self if self can find/answer one's own question self-honestly. If not, then can ask others for support.

Will continue in the next post. Thanks for reading!


[Image Source]



Educational & Supportive Websites:
Journey to Life Blogs:     Personal Journeys of Self-Discovery
EQAFE.com  Free Self-Improvement Interviews
DIP Lite:  Free Self-Development Online Course
Desteni I Process: Online Self-Mastery Course at it's Finest
Relationship Agreement Course: Empower Yourself, Strengthen your Relationships
Desteni Website  Understanding the Human Mind, Oneness & Equality
Desteni Wiki Structured, Organized Information about Self & Solutions
Desteni Forum  Forum with interactive support, resources and tools 

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Day 205: Who Am I Without My Mother?

Continuing from:
Who Am I Alone?


It was the first night my family was gone and I knew I would be seeing them tomorrow. I just had to hop on a plane. The first reaction that comes up is fear because I project through my mind my mom not being around. She has always been someone who has always provided support in the household, whether it's cooking or cleaning up a mess I made, she was always there, eventually 'picking up after me.' Now, that she was not there, it was as if I experienced a shock of not having that external support around me, and then the fear comes up of not knowing what to do with myself. I felt very empty inside like I lost or left a part of myself with my mother, like that support she has always given me was not around. So there was this illusionary experience of feeling/being empty, like half empty. Then there was the anxiety of not knowing what to do, but then a stress within projecting everything I needed to do that day came up because I had to prepare and pack for a flight tomorrow. I still had not yet sorted out or directed the fear point of not having my mother or family members as that external support of being around, and I started to feel unwell about it when I did my errands. It's interesting cause I realize if I had given myself some time to do some writing before I went off to do errands, then maybe I wouldn't have gotten so sick because through the writing I would have been able to see more clearly why I am reacting in fear and be able to direct it. Eventually as I walked my errands, I started to get a pain the bridge of my nose indicating sinus pressure. The pain then spread as a headache across my forehead and then I started to feel ill. When I got home I became so dizzy I threw up. I dealt with a stomach ache and nausea that entire night and the next morning. Then interestingly enough, once I got off the plane and greeted my mother and family the nausea went away and I felt fine.
Underlying points within the memory:

--React in fear towards a projection of my mom disappearing from me, no longer being around

--Fear of no longer having anyone to help instead of realizing that if I require help I trust that I will find the means to do so/to find help

--Fear/anxiety of not knowing what to do with myself/having lack of self-trust having depended on others to move me/direct me

--That who I depended on not being there, feel empty, like a part of me left

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to a projection of my mother suddenly disappearing from me because I have connected no longer having my mother around to it being something scary because I realize I have depended on my mother so much and gave so much trust to her in taking care of me I have not allowed myself to develop the skills necessary to live/be on my own which is why imagining her disappearing from my life I see it as being unable to live without her

From this, I commit myself to investigate where I need to educate myself so I become confident living within the world system since I realize I have allowed myself to depend on others to take care of me and my survival

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am incapable of taking care of myself alone because I have depended on another instead of realizing the responsibility of my part that I believed myself to be fine living and depending on another instead of realizing there will come a time when I cannot depend on them forever as death comes to each one of us

I commit myself to understand the reality of death and to never take anyone or anything for granted in terms of depending on them to not take responsibility for myself but to learn from them/others and assist myself in understanding how to live on this planet in a way where I can live effectively

So thus, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to accept the reality that I cannot depend on my mother for the rest of my life, that it will get to the point where I cannot depend on her anymore, thus

I commit myself to use the realization that I cannot depend on my mother for the rest of my life as motivation to start living and understanding myself and how to work/live in this system, how to essentially 'grow up' and learn how this world works since it'll get to a point where my mom will not be here anymore

Will continue in the next blog post...thanks for reading!


[Image Source]



Educational & Supportive Websites:
Journey to Life Blogs:     Personal Journeys of Self-Discovery
EQAFE.com  Free Self-Improvement Interviews
DIP Lite:  Free Self-Development Online Course
Desteni I Process: Online Self-Mastery Course at it's Finest
Relationship Agreement Course: Empower Yourself, Strengthen your Relationships
Desteni Website  Understanding the Human Mind, Oneness & Equality
Desteni Wiki Structured, Organized Information about Self & Solutions
Desteni Forum  Forum with interactive support, resources and tools