Sunday, October 19, 2014

Day 212: A Childhood Mistake

Continuing from:
Day 211: Health Paranoia

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to know everything in relation to all the ways, treatments and steps to prevent or heal a disease/illness instead of realizing that is absolutely impossible because new information on such a topic is constantly streaming and ongoing and that this desire to know everything comes from a fear of not knowing what to do or how to save someone or myself from failing health/accident and going into major regret because of it

I commit myself to slow down when it comes to reading health articles and to simply learn/do research on that which I genuinely want to know/learn about that is/will be relevant in my life and let go of information that does not serve me or is not relevant to me in my life

I commit myself to educate myself on preventative measures and life saving techniques, such as CPR so that I have that information stored within me that can assist me/another if an emergency would occur however within this, I commit myself to breathe through whatever fears may arise where I fear not having enough information or not knowing all preventive life-saving techniques since I realize in reality I can only learn as much as I can within the time I have and that beating myself up or fearing not knowing something/regretting is a personality/point that requires to be looked at, walked and transcended

I question myself, what memory or event in my life happened where I went into a large regret after finding out information that I could have used to stop something happening, specifically from something dying: A memory of when my pet fish died.

This happened to me when I was about 10 or 11 and to me was quite traumatic. One of my parents was cleaning the fish tank and we had to transfer my fish to a bowl so they could really clean it up the tank. Little did I know that I should have put my fish in the bowl with the same water he lived in, but what happened was I did not know this – I put clean new water in the bowl then transferred my fish into the bowl and watched him swim frantically around and then die. I accidentally killed my fish right in front of me and I had formed a relationship with this fish, so I was very shocked and traumatized about this ordeal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to my fish suddenly dying on me because I didn't understand why he just died in front of me instead of realizing that I did not know that I cannot put fish into new water or else they will go into shock and die instead of realizing I made a mistake and it was a genuine mistake where I unfortunately had to experience the consequence of my fish's death

I commit myself to read up and educate myself BEFORE I get a pet so that I have awareness and education on how to take care of a pet so that accidental deaths that could have been prevented will no longer happen

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become attached to my fish because he was 'mine,' since I picked him out and gave him his own name and thus, felt 'proud' about that because he was only 'my' fish and projected my pride onto him and when I killed him it was like everything I felt about him or projected onto him also died and it was all my fault and thus I am 'to blame' so went into self-punishment, hating myself and beating myself up from this ordeal/mistake

I commit myself to stop attaching myself to animals/pets by seeing them as 'mine' as 'mine' is a part of 'owning' that comes from the mind instead of realizing each being and animal living here on this planet does not belong to 'anyone' as everyone is a unique individual living and sharing this planet with everyone else, though that each and every pet I may have is one I take care of the way I (if I were an animal) would like to be treated/taken care of without emotional attachment since that is also a form of self-interest and disregard of everyone and everything else that is equal to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame me and punish me and hate me for having killed my fish when I didn't intend to instead of realizing that hating myself and punishing me for a mistake I made that was not in my awareness is nothing but a self-destructive habit that needs to be erased and no longer existent within me as it provides no assistance and support within this ordeal but simply keeps me stuck in self-torment which is really unnecessary since I can learn from my mistakes and share with others my mistakes and what I learned from them so they don't do them as well

I commit myself to stop hating and punishing myself for the mistake I made when I was younger, where I accidentally killed my pet fish since I realize it was an actual mistake due to impulsivity and not having enough education on how to take care of a pet, so thus, I commit myself to make peace with the memory and take it as a 'life lesson' for me and to share with everyone that education on how to take care of one's animal/pet is super critical and important

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to let go of this mistake of having accidentally killed my fish because I feel like I need to punish or hate myself for it, instead of realizing I have a belief I should not let it go because I think what I did was really bad and should be held against me, like a 'sentence' or a point I need to live with for the rest of my life instead of seeing how destructive these points are where they only lead to further consequence, further abuse, further pain, simply because I think and believe I need to hurt/hate myself because what I did was 'so bad' instead of realizing that there is another way, an acceptance and understanding of the past -- yes, the past and what I had done will never leave me but the past does not have to define me, that even with this mistake I had made that did have unfortunate consequences doesn't mean I have to drag that mistake with me for the rest of my life and use that mistake to fuel self-hate, and self-punishment but can instead learn from it, understand it and move on

I commit myself to investigate this self-punishment pattern/tendency that I exist in where I beat myself up for every little mistake because I realize that is far from supportive and needs to be corrected so that the entire cycle of self-abuse can finally be put to an endangered

I commit myself to remind and remember the realization/point that I cannot erase the past, but I can forgive myself and who I was in it and also, that I do not have to allow the past to define me because I have the tools to change, and from, this I commit myself to use the tools of self-support to change myself

And it's interesting this point of having done something so 'bad' connecting killing something or someone as really bad, is coming from morality and how I grew up with family values based in religion and morality where it is 'so bad' if someone kills someone, but I see it as defining that person as 'bad' as a bad person, instead of understanding that person/who they are that led them to killing, but to bring it back to the point, I defined myself as being really bad, beating myself up because I had killed my fish, I had made a bad mistake, I had done something really bad, and this I see is a point I've been existent in for quite some time, all of my life basically where I have had the tendency to really beat myself up, not want to forgive myself when I make mistakes. Like really harsh within me.


Additional Support blog: Death of a Pet

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Educational & Supportive Websites:
Journey to Life Blogs:     Personal Journeys of Self-Discovery
EQAFE.com  Free Self-Improvement Interviews
DIP Lite:  Free Self-Development Online Course
Desteni I Process: Online Self-Mastery Course at it's Finest
Relationship Agreement Course: Empower Yourself, Strengthen your Relationships
Desteni Website  Understanding the Human Mind, Oneness & Equality
Desteni Wiki Structured, Organized Information about Self & Solutions
Desteni Forum  Forum with interactive support, resources and tools 

Friday, October 10, 2014

Day 211: Health Paranoia

One of the problems I have been having is being distracted by health articles and recipes. I do find myself very drawn to the health field, with tons of health info and recipes on my Facebook feed, all for me to look at and within that is this desire to learn and know everything --all recipes, and health information so I feel complete within, like I know everything, but gosh that is so far from the truth because new information comes in every second online, new recipes, etc, so it is impossible for me to know everything when this world is constantly changing and evolving, so new information inevitably comes forth. I can never be 'full' with all information in the world.

So, what I'm looking at here is priorities and what's important. What's important is investing time and my life into creating myself and this world into a place best for all. That is what I see as important, as worth, but my problem has been a shift in focus from working on myself to indulging in tons of health info and recipes, because of this desire to learn more, to know more, because there is a fear that I may not know something, like a cure or treatment if I or someone around me were to become sick and then the 'worst' happens where they die and I'm left in regret 'if I had known about this cure...this treatment...' So there is a fear that there will come a moment where I could have known a fact or a tip on something to cure someone/an illness/health problem but because I didn't, me or someone in my life falls very ill and/or dies. This I know comes from memories like when I was on antibiotics and very ill and having to find my own way in healing, which I will write about soon.

To continue, some things I can see in relation to health articles I read is, let's say there is a health article on a herb that can cure vitamin deficiencies. Now I saw this a few days ago and I thought to myself, and recognized in myself I have some vitamin deficiencies, because it has been confirmed by my doctor in the past, so I said let me look at this, and now I know that (according to the article) cumin oil is 'meant to cure all vitamin deficiences.' See, so I know that and it makes me feel good to know that, however, am I going to apply this information to my life? No. Why? Because I am not sure how my body will react to the cumin oil and also I am not sure if I have such severe vitamin deficencies I should take this and also because I am unsure taking this without a medical profession's consent.

So, really, I can see I don't need to have this information within me if I know I am not going to use it, but what holds me back is WHAT IF I NEED IT, what if I need that info, where me or someone in my life is suffering with severe vitamin definecies and they don't know what to do, well then I can come in and help them and tell them about cumin oil. Then I feel good because I have given them (what I think) is the answer, but that is only according to ONE ARTICLE, ONE SOURCE of information.

Sure, cumin oil may help, but I haven't tested it myself, and I haven't gone through a medical profession for it, so I am using an article's knowledge and information on it, and I am believing this article without actually cross- referencing with myself, my body and/or a medical profession! So therefore, do I really need to hold onto that info, if I am not a medical profession and/or have never used the cumin oil myself? No, there is no point to hold onto such info.

Looking at this more, if a person with severe vitamin deficiences came up to me asking for help or advice or which direction they should go I would point them in a direction of a medical profession, specifically a homeopath or naturopath because through my own PERSONAL EXPERIENCE I have found these professionals supportive for me and my body, and that is really it, because the knowlegde and info I have gained through reading articles online really is pointless if I have not tested it for me/have not walked the point myself and also am not a medical profession or cross-referenced with one. The best advice I can give to a person in need of physical help is to first check to see if I can provide them with support through my own personal experience and then reccommend they see the above mentioned medical professionals.

Thus then, all that time reading up on health articles, being distracted by such a wealth of health info out there -- is any of it actually contributing to me, or is it just becoming a distraction? I can most certainly see it as a distraction because if I genuinely wanted to look something up because I want to find answers/solutions to a problem, I would. Though in my case I had allowed myself to get caught up in a sea of health info, all as a point of distraction from the real thing -- working on myself, creating my life, and working on creating a world best for all.

So, the point I am highlighting here that I am aware of in my writing is that I have been distracted by health articles and info because of a deep fear of having me or someone in my life become drastically ill and die and then I am left with regret because I could have known certain health info that could have saved me/them. So when I go on my Facebook news feed I 'drink up' as much knowledge and info I can so I can prepare myself for any possible sickness/illness in my life and know the treatments. Thus, I formed a paranoia, a fear, an obsession within wanting to know everything, and 'I am not satisfied' until I know all treatments and cures for each health problem and issue so that if me or someone becomes ill/sick I know what to do to 'save them.'

I will explore memories and walk Self-Forgiveness on points mentioned within this blog in the next posts. Thanks for reading!


 
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Educational & Supportive Websites:
Journey to Life Blogs:     Personal Journeys of Self-Discovery
EQAFE.com  Free Self-Improvement Interviews
DIP Lite:  Free Self-Development Online Course
Desteni I Process: Online Self-Mastery Course at it's Finest
Relationship Agreement Course: Empower Yourself, Strengthen your Relationships
Desteni Website  Understanding the Human Mind, Oneness & Equality
Desteni Wiki Structured, Organized Information about Self & Solutions
Desteni Forum  Forum with interactive support, resources and tools 

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Day 210: Defining Myself According to Work-Related Feedback

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am better than another coworker by comparing feedback I received from others to the feedback the coworker received and from this, justify that I am better because of the ideas and beliefs I had previously formed of myself instead of realizing these ideas came from feedback I received from others when I was unsure and insecure of how I was doing at my job instead of taking the feedback as a cool point of support that what I'm doing is in line with my job and not go into ego, believing I am the best coworker at my job

I realize that I have used comparison to define who I am and since I had received more positive feedback than my coworker I went into ego instead of using feedback as a cool cross-reference of how I'm doing within my job, yet through ego I saw myself as being better than another, when in reality that is not true, I am always equal to what is here, even despite if I have received more positive feedback than another on how I'm doing in my job, does not mean I am not better than them

I commit myself to stop comparing feedback I received from others to the feedback I've heard about my co-worker as I realize the only feedback that matters is from/of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately take positive feedback from coworkers on how I'm doing to fuel my ego and ideas of myself instead of realizing this feedback is simply from how I'm doing within my job, and that what I am doing is accepted, approved and satisfying within the system, and thus does not actually reflect me, as the entirety of who I am, that for example, if I am doing a good job with something does not define me as a 'good' person as I see, realize and understand a 'good person' is a person who lives and exists within what is best for all, and thus I realize I have a lot of work to do to become what is best for all, as long as I continue to walk this process in self-honesty for me

I commit myself to stop defining me and who I am according to the feedback I get but to see this feedback as cross-reference with how I am doing with my job and if any improvement is needed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project in my mind my coworkers saying good things about me, comparing me to others in their mind instead of realizing the more I participate in this projection/imagination I am fueling my ego and the ideas I have of myself of being a 'good person' /better than others in the job that I do, and within this I realize what I do in my job does not define who I am, it is who I am within the job that I do that matters, thus even if I were to do a perfect job at my work, I can still exist within 'evil' participating in backchats, judgments, etc – that which basically fuels abuse and separation in this world

I commit myself to stop myself when I see me use positive feedback according to how I work before it 'gets to my head' a.k.a 'fuel my ego' and instead shift myself into using/taking that feedback as cool cross-reference that I am doing well

From this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to question my participation within projections and thoughts about who I am at work, that I had been fueling my ego through participation in projections, thoughts and beliefs instead of considering who I am and what I am accepting and allowing when I allow myself to separate myself from others by existing in ego, and ego is nasty

When and as I see myself participate and 'play into' projections/imaginations and thoughts about who I am as a worker, whether positive or negative, I stop, I breathe and I do not allow myself to participate in the projections/imaginations and thoughts since I realize the more I allow myself to 'give in' and participate in my mind the more I am allowing myself to be defined by the mind instead of me defining me, and deciding who I am and how I want to live


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Educational & Supportive Websites:
Journey to Life Blogs:     Personal Journeys of Self-Discovery
EQAFE.com  Free Self-Improvement Interviews
DIP Lite:  Free Self-Development Online Course
Desteni I Process: Online Self-Mastery Course at it's Finest
Relationship Agreement Course: Empower Yourself, Strengthen your Relationships
Desteni Website  Understanding the Human Mind, Oneness & Equality
Desteni Wiki Structured, Organized Information about Self & Solutions
Desteni Forum  Forum with interactive support, resources and tools 

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Day 209: Stress Towards New Living Environment

Continuation from:
Day 208: Rushed Until it's Lights Out at Midnight

After listening to the EQAFE interviews Stress Part 1&2 I've learned that as one continues to exist in stress it forms like an entity within which basically becomes a personality. I've developed quite the stress-personality over my 'new life', environment and living arrangement in a foreign country.

One of the points of stress is that my new living environment is different than my previous living environment, where I had my own room before and basically the last 10 years the 'freedom' to go to bed when I wanted to, whereas now I must take into consideration my roommates bed times and waking up times, where I do not have the 'freedom' to roam about the living space after midnight since all rooms are occupied with sleeping people by then.

So I developed a stress towards the point of having to get everything I need DONE before midnight because I do not have that 'freedom' -- my choice/desire to continue to work on things past that time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress when it gets close to midnight and I have yet to complete specific tasks that I had planned and wanted to perform because I'm afraid that I won't be able to finish and complete the tasks before midnight.

When and as I see myself go into stress when I realize it's getting close to midnight and I hadn't yet finished what I wanted to get done, I stop, I breathe, I let the stress go and I immediately direct myself to look at what CAN I get done within the time I have left, taking into consideration what I can work on tomorrow and also use this as a 'life lesson' in working on my time management/scheduling skills.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to use my schedule to work on the specific tasks that require to get done before early enough, or even first to do within my day, so that I have the time to get them done before midnight so I don't have to go into stress because I realize that if I see that the tasks/priorities I wanted/needed or must get done before midnight will not be able to get done tonight, then I'll react in stress, so best for me to use my scheduling ability to place the 'tasks I need/want/must get done before midnight' as the first things to do within my day, because I realize within that I strengthen my discipline in getting these tasks done within my day


I commit myself to set a notification for myself online to receive an e-mail at night to make a list of priorities to be worked on/completed for the next day, that way when I wake up and check my e-mail first thing, I will have a notification pop up for me to remind me on what I need to get done, and from this, I commit myself to actually practicing on the discipline of getting things done, to not stray away from my tasks through distractions, but to practice focusing on what I'm doing in the moment so I'm able to put 'all of me'/my effort into what I'm doing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in stress to the idea of having to be stuck here in this particular environment for the rest of my life, where I feel and perceive my time to work is suppressed due to others bedtimes and living situations instead of realizing that I'm making this time living in this new space emotional instead of living here practically, considering myself, others and the living space I'm in, since I also realize that where I'm living at is temporary because my partner and I have to wait until an apartment is available for us, thus, I must manage and make the best of my time here

I commit myself to be practical with the time and living space I'm in, using my schedule and tools to organize my time and life here, instead of making this emotional, as I realize becoming emotional over my new space does not and will ever not assist and support me -- nothing will change or come out of that, so best to stop and simply do what I can, practically, making my time living here 'well spent'

I commit myself to breathe when I see myself become emotional about a point within living here in my new environment as I realize becoming emotional will not help


Within that, what do I mean by 'make the best of my time here?' To do as much as I can within the time I have, in the environment I'm in. So, doing all my daily things and tasks and responsibilities through using a schedule and walking it in fact. To make sure that which needs and must get done today/the day, will get done before midnight and to utilize time management for this. Making a list on paper or online, highlighting the priorities and tasks for my day is supportive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect stress towards having to go to bed a specific time because it is something I do not like instead of 'making peace' with this point as I have 'no choice' over this fact since I am a part of the whole in a living environment and must make peace with another's rules until I have my own living space


When and as I see myself react in stress towards the idea and reality of having to go to bed at a certain time, I stop, I breathe, and I let the stress go, reminding myself that this is what it is currently, that I must accept these rules currently since I have no other place to stay and thus, make peace with it, and I realize that living here is temporary so I commit myself to remind me to make the time here supportive for me, instead of reactive and emotional


I see within this a reaction of anger, a possible personality, where I don't like it -- the fact I have to go to bed at midnight cause my roommates need to go to sleep at that time and I must accept it, and within me, want to make a big deal out of it, like holding onto a belief maybe I will get things my way or something will happen that will make me happy. THAT is another point to look into.


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Educational & Supportive Websites:
Journey to Life Blogs:     Personal Journeys of Self-Discovery
EQAFE.com  Free Self-Improvement Interviews
DIP Lite:  Free Self-Development Online Course
Desteni I Process: Online Self-Mastery Course at it's Finest
Relationship Agreement Course: Empower Yourself, Strengthen your Relationships
Desteni Website  Understanding the Human Mind, Oneness & Equality
Desteni Wiki Structured, Organized Information about Self & Solutions
Desteni Forum  Forum with interactive support, resources and tools 

Monday, September 15, 2014

Day 208: Rushed Until It's Lights Out at Midnight

I have been feeling constantly stressed throughout my day and a general sense of having to rush with this fear of having to get things done before midnight because that is when all my roommates are going to bed, and I must go to bed because there is no other room for me to continue doing my things.

Today for example I felt particularly rushed having to go grocery shopping, make food for my partner for school and work, take care of e-mails, work on the job process, download ebooks that were available for a limited time only free and then finishing up a transcription while then having to talk to my mother and having to deal with the news my grandmother passed away. And it seems like every day, lately I have had a lot to do, constant work, and I have really created a blame and a stress around these points, with being so busy and this idea I can't take a break, and when I do have time to take a break I am not fully relaxed/don't allow myself to relax because I have this fear I need to get things done.

So I really created a stress-pattern here within my day to day living and I'm writing it out so I can finally work with this and change myself from this pattern.

From what I understand stress comes from specific thought patterns that generate emotions like fear. One is this fear and projection that I need to get everything done by midnight tonight because that is the cut off time, I literally cannot work after midnight, I must go to sleep, because every room except the bathroom is occupied by people also going to bed at that time, and I feel very rushed and pressured that I need to complete all these tasks before midnight, and within that can see that I have reactions towards the reality that I have to get my things done before midnight because where I lived before I had my own freedom of having my own room and the 'freedom' to go to bed when I wanted to, and I wish that in my new home I can continue working like that, but my partner and I are currently living with other people as we try to find our own place, so I can see I am mad that I cannot work farther than midnight due to this living space so, I must go to bed at midnight, because everyone else is and I do not have any other room to go to to work on my things, so it is like, I must get things done, I have no other say or control over this point. I can't continue working, I have to consider other people and the 'rules of the house' which means, lights off at midnight.

And the problem I see is that I tend to push writing until late at night, when I'm finished with practical chores and points within my day, and when it's time to do writing, I don't have enough time that I want available for me to write and I react in anger about that, because I am not getting my way, it is what it is, so I must make the best out of it.

(A solution I can see is to do my writing and DIP for example in the morning, but I feel like other points need to be taken care of, and looking at it, these other points I like to do in the morning is checking my mail and facebook news, and there is resistance to changing this up but I see that this little switch of tasks in the morning may actually benefit me, so I will give this a shot, giving myself 30 minutes of DIP and then possibly at least an hour on writing in the morning.)

Okay, so here are the highlighted points I will be looking at from here on:

--Stress within my day with this idea/thought I need to get everything done by midnight

--Idea I can't take a break

--Blaming outside of myself that I can never get all my things done before midnight, also blame that I can't do more after midnight

--Feeling stifled and unable to be free with choosing what time I want to go to bed, because of the 'curfew' despite where I lived before

--Reactions of anger and thought 'this is not cool/unfair' to the reality that I cannot go to bed as I wish, I must consider others, and my enviroment is what it is and that there is no other room for me to go to except the bathroom, but it's not ideal to finish my tasks in there, lol, so in this regard need to make peace with the 'going to bed at midnight' rule

--Other general reactions towards not having enough space or room to do what I may freely, but have to consider my roommates space, bed times, and rooms

--Reactions towards being in a different environment than where I lived before and not having the space that I wish/have had before

--Reactions of having limited access to do things because roommates wake up around 9am

--Anger I have to consider other's bed times

--Thought 'I have so much to do' with reaction/emotions of stress, fear of not getting everything I need done in time/by midnight

--Believe I cannot relax, and I don't want to relax because I feel like things need to get done before midnight

--Pressuring myself and creating emotions out fear of getting things done before midnight (what do I fear losing or happening to me/my world?)

--I want to be able to live in this current living situation without stress, but being able to work with a schedule, work with what I have so I may live stress-free in a tight living environment

--Reactions towards not having control over this midnight point, that I must take my roommates bed times into consideration and go to bed, even though I don't want to go to bed at that time

--Working with my schedule to really see how I can fit priorities within my day/week so they can get done and not pushed until late in the night where I then react cause I don't have enough time to complete the priorities

Whew that's a lot... To be continued...thanks for reading!


Educational & Supportive Websites:
Journey to Life Blogs:     Personal Journeys of Self-Discovery
EQAFE.com  Free Self-Improvement Interviews
DIP Lite:  Free Self-Development Online Course
Desteni I Process: Online Self-Mastery Course at it's Finest
Relationship Agreement Course: Empower Yourself, Strengthen your Relationships
Desteni Website  Understanding the Human Mind, Oneness & Equality
Desteni Wiki Structured, Organized Information about Self & Solutions
Desteni Forum  Forum with interactive support, resources and tools